Bonewelding is a new company that offers bone fusion services. In case you ever break a bone and don’t want to spend the time in a lengthy, painful rehab, give these guys a call and they will solder your femur back together and you’ll be walking again in a matter of minutes.

Side effects of the procedure include: massive infection, obvious ineffectiveness, and cancer.

The orange virus is a new bacterial killer that various terrorist groups have already begun using to blackmail third-world governments. So far, in Africa alone, 500,000 people have been killed by the deadly virus so that the Bamatu terrorist organization could get Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air.

Would you EVER buy shoes that say “COOL” on the sides? Jeeeezus.

The touch, the feel, of screaming eagle babies.

Don’t let the modest exterior or the rude, gay waiters fool you. This place is excellent.

The dinner menu features all of the delicious usuals, such as veal, lamb, duck and salmon, and all are prepared as perfectly as you would expect from a wealthy French restauranteur, but still not as good as anything my parents make.

I went with the goose, which was so tantalizing that I ended up sharing most of it. Oh well. My dad got the venison, which despite it’s prehistoric presentation, was numbingly tasty.

The wait staff is extremely professional, of course, except the one bald dude who never pays attention to anything, even if you say something like “I’ll have another gin & tonic” directly to his smug face.

All-in-all, we had a great Christmas Eve dinner, and I highly recommend this place to anyone who enjoys fine foods and wines.

I do not recommend this restaurant, however, to men who would be accompanied by four women, including his mother-in-law, and who appear to be having no fun at all, thus providing us with much entertainment at his expense. That was hilarious.

“Official site of Reggie White’s racist remarks”

“Law & Order” star Jerry Orbach dead at 69

Not to be left out in the popular trend of recent deaths, Ol’ Lennie kicked the bucket last night. Since his jacked-up prostate was kept under wraps, most deathpool standings remain unaffected.

TNT will surely feature a billion-episode Law & Order tribute to Lennie, seeing as he was the only character to exist longer than two seasons.

Dead Buddhist Monk Baffles Scientists

Apparently this guy has been dead since 1927, yet sits in the lotus position and doesn’t decay. Some scientists say it has to do with the Buddhist practice of removing one’s organs and bones and replacing them with a preservative petroleum jelly. It’s either that or he’s achieved nirvana.

Miami TV Psychic Dubs Self Rumpologist; Reads Bare Backsides On Air

I think that from now on, proctologists should just be called rumpologists. And also be medically trained to predict psychic phenomena by the breadth, shape, and birthmarks of one’s asscheeks.

Dog smashes truck into store

He was drunk. So what? We all make mistakes.