According to this:
Boston Globe’s Red Sox buzz

it appears that this:
-Pedro offered four-year, $56 million deal with Mets

has brought us to this:
-Red Sox chase Clement
-Sox may go hard after Renteria
-Red Sox meet with Delgado
-Sox still trying for Hudson
-Wells announcement Tuesday

Jayson Stark on the Pedro deal

More: SI’s rumor mill

Pats’ Weis named Notre Dame head coach

He better forget everything he ever heard about Notre Dame until the Pats win the Super Bowl 39 in January. If they don’t, I’m holding him AND his botched stomach-stapling surgery responsible for everything.

Eli Manning’s line yesterday @ Baltimore:
4-for-18, 27 yards, 2 INTs, 1 fumble, 0.00 QB rating

Kentucky to beat everyone in March

You heard it here second. According to just about everyone at ESPN, who from here on out are never wrong, the ‘Cats are a lock for the Final Four.

The freshmen just keep getting exponentially better, making UK the youngest and scariest team in college hoops.

Except for St. Jerome’s College in Oregon, which fields a team of knife-wielding Albanian midgets.

Kobe still pissed at Karl

If it hasn’t happened already, I think Jimmy Kimmel needs to do his Karl Malone bit and re-enact this whole thing. Because Karl Malone wearing a cowboy hat and saying he’s “hunting little Mexican girls” is comedy gold.

Jury Recommends Execution for Peterson

Not that I really care, but it’s always amusing when a nation foams at the mouth for someone to die. Woohoo!

Study: Christmas is the deadliest day for Americans

I told you Santa was real and a murderer and came into my room one time with an ax and rope, but no one ever listens to me.

D.A. Seeks Sex Charges Against Worcester Teacher

Finally, a teacher who’s actually hot gets it on with a student.

For all of us who went through the Mary Kay LeTourneau fiasco and had to stare at her busted grill and wonder why the kid would even bother, this time, we don’t have to question the kid’s motives or worry about another disgusting teacher on Court TV every day for 6 months.

This will probably turn out to be one of the best teacher-does-student cases ever.

Can a virgin give birth?

Nope. All religions are stupid.

Ukraine leader’s ’soup was poisoned’

Since he wasn’t in danger of dying or anything really, this has to be the world’s greatest practical joke. Look at the dude. Freaking gross. Yet hilarious in a “politicians suck” kind of way. The disfigurement should go away after a few years, the doctors say. He’s probably not amused though: he lost the presidential election and no woman, no matter how desparately Ukrainian she is, could possibly be attracted to him.

Crows as Clever as Great Apes, Study Says

Not so Great now are you, ya dirty stinking apes…

Lithuania Unearths Liquor Pipeline from Belarus

Once again proving that the peoples of the former U.S.S.R. are the biggest drunks on the face of the earth, they get busted for a vodka pipeline for the FOURTH time. Is there really nothing better to do there?

Man Dressed as Santa Beats Elderly Woman’s Ass

Why can’t there be video footage of this? Sigh… Anyway, I’d beat up an old lady if she was stealing my chocolate too.

“The #1 Dioxin Distributor in Ukraine”