Dikembe Mutombo Bitchslaps LeBron on 20th Bday

When BronBron called Deek’s mom a “woolly freak” because of her extensive body hair, Mutombo took matters into his own hands and proceeded to thrust those hands into Bronnie’s face. Mutombo has always been sensitive about his mother’s back hair, and has sent 43 players to the injured list over his 14-year career. When will they learn?

FBI probes laser beam directed at cockpit

This “laser” came from somewhere on the ground in a residential area and up into the cockpit of a plane. This is way better than that Simpsons episode where Bart gives Skinner crotchdot. Thankfully the pilot didn’t panic about his crotchdot and slam the jet into the ground. But he would’ve been justified.

Experts: Tsunami Kills Few Animals

Apparently animals are far more adaptive and intelligent than us. The animals were capable of fleeing their shantys and resorts and head fer the hills! instead of getting massively destroyed by the tsunamis. Ugh.

False Alarm of New Tsunamis Sparks Panic in Asia

India released a new nationwide tsunami alert, which was proved to be incorrect based upon a U.S. firm’s information. That is easily the most effed-up crap I’ve heard in a while.

120,000+…

“Researchers: Cure for AIDS located in the March 2004 archive”

Bonewelding is a new company that offers bone fusion services. In case you ever break a bone and don’t want to spend the time in a lengthy, painful rehab, give these guys a call and they will solder your femur back together and you’ll be walking again in a matter of minutes.

Side effects of the procedure include: massive infection, obvious ineffectiveness, and cancer.

The orange virus is a new bacterial killer that various terrorist groups have already begun using to blackmail third-world governments. So far, in Africa alone, 500,000 people have been killed by the deadly virus so that the Bamatu terrorist organization could get Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air.

Would you EVER buy shoes that say “COOL” on the sides? Jeeeezus.

The touch, the feel, of screaming eagle babies.

Don’t let the modest exterior or the rude, gay waiters fool you. This place is excellent.

The dinner menu features all of the delicious usuals, such as veal, lamb, duck and salmon, and all are prepared as perfectly as you would expect from a wealthy French restauranteur, but still not as good as anything my parents make.

I went with the goose, which was so tantalizing that I ended up sharing most of it. Oh well. My dad got the venison, which despite it’s prehistoric presentation, was numbingly tasty.

The wait staff is extremely professional, of course, except the one bald dude who never pays attention to anything, even if you say something like “I’ll have another gin & tonic” directly to his smug face.

All-in-all, we had a great Christmas Eve dinner, and I highly recommend this place to anyone who enjoys fine foods and wines.

I do not recommend this restaurant, however, to men who would be accompanied by four women, including his mother-in-law, and who appear to be having no fun at all, thus providing us with much entertainment at his expense. That was hilarious.

“Official site of Reggie White’s racist remarks”

“Law & Order” star Jerry Orbach dead at 69

Not to be left out in the popular trend of recent deaths, Ol’ Lennie kicked the bucket last night. Since his jacked-up prostate was kept under wraps, most deathpool standings remain unaffected.

TNT will surely feature a billion-episode Law & Order tribute to Lennie, seeing as he was the only character to exist longer than two seasons.

Dead Buddhist Monk Baffles Scientists

Apparently this guy has been dead since 1927, yet sits in the lotus position and doesn’t decay. Some scientists say it has to do with the Buddhist practice of removing one’s organs and bones and replacing them with a preservative petroleum jelly. It’s either that or he’s achieved nirvana.

Miami TV Psychic Dubs Self Rumpologist; Reads Bare Backsides On Air

I think that from now on, proctologists should just be called rumpologists. And also be medically trained to predict psychic phenomena by the breadth, shape, and birthmarks of one’s asscheeks.

Dog smashes truck into store

He was drunk. So what? We all make mistakes.

Having the best-cooked beef tenderloin in Christmas history.

Getting diverted to Hartford instead of Boston, getting dumped off the plane with no transportation or hotel or anything late on a snowy night by Satan’s favorite airline, Song.

Getting the hottest shoes on the planet from Kenneth Cole Reaction and a fly belt to boot.

Enjoying much-anticipated QT with the rents and grandrents.

Eating ridiculously delicious goose at Cafe de France in Winter Park.

Using a Sonicare. You should throw away your 3-year-old toothbrush and get one. You know who you are.

“Official site of Stu Scott’s screwed-up eye”