“Safer than a chemical burn”

Pistons’ Fan In White Hat Has Criminal History

I figured since I work in freaking city hall, I’d give props to the police force. Way to go, swine. If only Boston police were as talented, we could actually enjoy alcohol around here.

Psycho Texas mom cuts baby’s arms off

It’s not that bad, though. The armless child is expected to make a full, healthy recovery in order to one day become a stupendous sideshow freak. Just like her idol, Violetta.

Ain’t she sweet, fellas?

Look at those gams!.

Errr…

Report: Ukraine Opposition Leader Takes Oath

I swear to crap this has to be the slowest news day since the 90’s. Anyway, apparently news does, in fact, happen in Ukraine. Super. So, basically the underdog won. But, what does this mean? A greater availability of mail-order brides, hearty peasant gruel, and crude oil to the West. заботит?

13-year-old boy kidnaps stripper at gunpoint; Booyah

The problem with the boy’s plan is that once you take the stripper out of the club, she becomes a woman. That’s like driving a Bentley off a shady used car lot and at the first stoplight realizing it’s actually a Peugeot.