“#1 Sex-offender Registrar in Alabama”

In Fox’s “Who Wants To Be a Rebel Billionaire” or whatever, there are a bunch of 20- and 30-somethings with idiotic jobs and goals trying to get a job via televised public humiliation.

Sadly, it’s still not as humiliating as what they do off the show. Some examples:

1. Jessica McCann, 27, former cult drone @ Cydcor, now unemployed scam artist. Not even that hot.

2. Heather Maclean, 31, sells videos that teach children how to love travelling the world. A must-own.

3. Shawn Nelson, 27, started the The Love Sac Corporation. Probably Mormon.

4. Sarah Blakely, 33, inventor of Spanx, the foot-less pantyhose. I figure this venture will last about as long as the show does.

5. Erica Vilardi, 28, model currently in talks to do Mexican porn.

6. Jermaine Jamison, former boot camp instructor, now a snake-charming Christian youth minister.

7. Steve Berke, 23, a tennis pro who designed a retarded pillow. If only it was stuffed with crack.

-Warming Could Lead To Squid Boom
-Peru seizes cocaine haul hidden in giant squid

The Great Squid War is upon us. Several hostile Asian nations, including China, Japan, India, and Brunei, have begun to unleash the first wave of countless millions of heat-seaking squid towards the Western Hemisphere.

The squid are powered during the several thousand-mile journey across the Pacific by huge individual caches of cocaine loaded into their body cavities.

Preliminary reports estimate the squid army will reach North and South America en masse on Wednesday afternoon. Let us pray.

Campaign For ODB’s Loot Hits Battleground States

With an estimated $225 million in free cash up for grabs, many strong candidates are vying for the estate of Ol’ Dirty Bastard.

Currently, his widow and mother of his 3(??) children, Icelene has a solid grip on public opinion, which will determine the winner in a Fox-televised nationwide call-in election.

Also on the ticket is a powerful conglomerate of hookers that has been lobbying for the money since before ODB’s death. The New York Times and United Auto Workers have lent their public support to the whores’ cause.