“Best-smelling site on the web”

1. Worry

So you’re on the couch watching the Packers game and your mannequin walks in with a nervous look on her face. When she grabs her abdomen, and it dawns on you: she’s pregnant.

All those times you beat her brains out are coming back to her as she ponders your child’s future. Woah, you better put that brewsky down before you negotiate.

2. Confusion

This is how most mannequins, as well as women, often ask very stupid questions.
Note the glazed eyes.

“Can I have the remote?”

“What does she have that I don’t?”

“Can I borrow your car?”

“Should I go in the other room?”

3. Something’s Wrong

The most famous female cry for attention.

You probably didn’t even do anything wrong, women just love to give attitude.

Just nod, grunt, and mumble “sorry” a bunch and she’ll be back to baking you apple pie in no time.

4. Nausea

So you want bring home a hot gal from a truck stop. Once you get the waitress to down a few drinks on your tab, she’ll be ripe for some drugging.

Slip the narcotic of your choice into her glass, and she’ll be naked and sick in your motel room lickety split. She won’t have a clue where she is.

The Texas version of the trick typically involves a branding iron.

Arafat buried in chaotic scenes

Malt liquor filled the streets of Ramallah yesterday as tens of thousands of Palestinians poured their 40’s out for their dead leader, Yasser Arafat.

The President’s body was flown back to Gaza under extremely heavy security…

Imagine if his body fell into the wrong hands? They could contaminate water supplies with it, film Weekend at Bernie’s 3, or make a “refreshing protein shake” for a prank on weightlifters.

Doctor Invents the “Orgasmatron”

The latest in spinal therapy also causes immediate, intense orgasms in females, rendering men permanently useless. It involves implanting a chip into the woman’s spine, a horrifying procedure that I’m sure every woman will be willing to endure.

Latoya Jackson involved in horrific child abuse case

“…injured the 3-month-old baby by shaking, twisting, pulling and squeezing her until her bones broke.”

And it only gets much, much, much worse. Does New Hampshire have the death penalty? Can it be used even if there wasn’t a murder?

Derailment Spills 20,00 Gallons of Beer

Let’s hope it was Miller Lite.

Follow up: Dave Matthews offers $100k to people he pooped on

What a guy. Trying to pass it off as charity, too. Dreamy.