1. Roll Over
The most important thing to remember when teaching your car to roll over is that you need to be so extremely drunk that you can’t tell a difference between pulling into your driveway and speeding on I-95.
2. Lie Down
Cars often learn how to lie down from other people, so when your ex-con cousin realizes you’re the one who called the cops about his meth lab, your car will master the trick.
3. Stay
This trick usually involves patience on your behalf. Once your car learns how to stay, it’s difficult to get it to do much else.
The solution usually involves you blowing your last $50 and apologizing to a judge.
4. Stand
This the bread and butter of car tricks. To perform this trick, all you have to do is install a 500-hp engine, drag race-quality tires, and a lightweight, fiberglass chassis that is capable of getting off the ground.
But it’s worth it when a fine, toothless Southern belle named Soozie goes home with you that night.
5. Play Dead
For cars, there is a fine line between playing dead and being dead. To perform this trick successfully, devastating fire is recommended to numb the pain right before you push your car off a building.
There are good odds that your car will stay limp enough to survive the fall, while appearing to actually be dead. This trick usually only works once.
In what is clearly the worst day of my life, our punkass President has somehow stolen another term. And with it, my soul.
I have officially lost all faith in American politics. We have hit rock bottom.
Now I’m going to remain calm, but I would just like to say that this election is the most embarassing moment in America in my lifetime, and I am urging all of us to riot in the streets. 
