-Tim McCarver is the worst sportscaster in history.

-It’s possible to kill a man with cherry pie. Sort of like in Se7en when the fattie dies from eating too much.

-Some places still use “the book” to check IDs instead of scanners. Some places are run by high school dropouts.

-Andy Griffith is still alive

-Comcast will readily not show up during their scheduled time, and then lie about it. Fatal mistake.

-The most caustic chemical on earth is:
Mountain Dew Pitch Black

-John Wayne is a terrible Mongol and The Conqueror is no “classic.” But, apparently True Lies is.

Good God, y’all, that was no joke.

I stayed up along with probably 80 million other New Englanders for what we all basically thought was going to be no other reason than to have the stake driven into our hearts. Like in that Keanu Reeves movie.

But we avoided that for about 15 hours, and we get to do it all over again tonight. And hopefully the next night and the night after that.

The top of the 6th last night had to be the most painful half-inning I’ve ever experienced on any level of baseball.

And I’m a 17-year veteran of the South Atlantic League, so that’s sayin something. I’m serious.

I wish to publicly announce that I hope either Hidonki Crapsui or Jeter or both smash their faces into a stadium seat again before they leave Fenway.

Also, Matsui’s giant face on a giant widescreen TV is just disturbing.

“Exposing boarding school sex scandals for over 30 years”

Moose gets stuck in 50-ft-high power lines

Ok, to answer your questions, yes there is a moose hanging 50 feet in the air from power lines, and yes, it ran up there.

So upon finding said moose dangling up there, park rangers decided to shoot the beast and eat its delicious meat.

The rangers were careful not to pummel the moose with very many tranquilizers as to preserve the untainted meat from poison, and to cause the critter maximum pain.

Sleepwalking woman had sex with strangers

Imagine one day finding out that you’ve unknowingly had sex with many, many strangers? Flagrant. This is why people should never get married. Crap like this.

Jeb Bush Rules Out 2008 White House Run

Sweet Mother of God. If another Bush were to ever be elected to well, frankly, any office, I will immediately move to Texas next door to the family and play extremely loud David Hasselhoff music pointed at them all night long.

The latest Zogby poll says Kerry and Bush are tied with 45% popularity each.

I guarantee that by next week, Kerry will have a substantial lead thanks to a molestation scandal that I’ll reveal on network TV.

Let’s just say Dubya’s disco days were more than child’s play.

-Big Al Gore