New Jersey: Human Remains in Artificial Reefs

The $55 million dollar project funded by the New Jersey Oceanic Destruction Commission began in 1983. The goal of the project is to build a seawall made out of corpses for protection against the French Navy.

To date, over 37,000 corpses have been packed into the artificial wall. To complete the project, the NJODC estimates it will need a total of 550,000 bodies. I hereby call on every New Jersey citizen to volunteer.

Siberia: Abandoned boy raised by a dog

Not to diss this kid or anything, but the combination of being born in Siberia and then being raised by a dog has got to be the worst life possible.

He must have killed hundreds of people in a former life.

Or been a record executive.

Or a Bon Jovi fan.

Nepal: Living goddess makes rare outing

When this girl is old enough, can you imagine hooking up with a goddess at a party? Best bragging rights ever.

Germany: Goats lick Penthouse model on TV

I’m going to just stop trying to think any more.

How I love the weekends, let me count the ways:

Place: Rosebud Diner, Davis Square, Somerville, MA

Times said “It’s gotta be”: 56

Decibels of Summers’ voice: 143.6
Official Marc Summers Homepage

When we last left Metric, they were riding high on a satisfying, but aerobic, egoflex. Their second album, Old World Underground, Where Are You Now?, had done them a few favors. A determined schedule of touring kept the engine warm through the winter, enough so that the spring could coast home. The summer came and went like pillow talk, setting the band up for an awkward second date with its setlist.

So when they hit the Paradise for the second time in ‘04, Metric came bearing a six-pack instead of flowers. Cordiality was AWOL as the routine began to set in. The magic of the prom had worn off; it’s a new school year. Anticipating the same songs as last time, the crowd was semi-existant and chock full of clown-nosers.

In premeditated response, the band played 5 new songs, all of which receiving conked, muted reactions. The band barely knew the songs, and the crowd didn’t at all; guaranteed makings of a ho-hummer.

Of the usual songs, the highlights involved the even-more-usual singles and the 6-hour version of “Dead Disco”, during which I was able to visit the bar twice. The setlist for this show was set about 6 months ago.

Mizz Em kept the chatter consistent, but instead of whispering sweet nothings or giving us Viagra, she busted out her smartass side. Like a caged bear, she hopelessly thrashed around, giving us hints of her past energy, but never plugging it in. If only…

…we had all been ok with missing each other this time around. If we didn’t need the excitement, if they didn’t need the money, and if Ghostbusters never existed, it wouldn’t have happened this way. Despite all of the tired tension and shuffling feet, the show had to go on, and at the very least, velvet pop gets another leaf on the branch.

Sigh.

“‘Not what I was looking for when I bought a computer’ - Leon ‘Bull’ Durham”

9/11 Commission Report Index

now you can recount of all the wacky screw-ups, bungled messes, and chicken-headed sloppery in stunning digital quality.

FSB Staff Cards for Sale on the Internet

the FSB is like Russia’s FBI.

soon, the FSB will be the world’s largest organization with estimates of over 4 million fake ID cards to be distributed in Europe and Asia.

I, personally, am now a triple lieutenant major, but I’m hoping to be a supergeneral by October. Смычок к мне, ослу!

Gigantic mushroom stuns Swiss scientists

this has to be the most disgusting thing i’ve ever heard.

Kevin Costner Weds at His Aspen Ranch

this has to be the newest most disgusting thing i’ve ever heard.

San Antonio man buys David Koresh’s Camaro

Many thanks to all of the donors, but the synapticblur.com campaign to buy Christ’s Camaro fell just short of success. Over the past 4 days, we collected over $31,000, all of which was bid on the roadster. Hopefully when Courtney Love dies, we will be able to purchase her Peugeot. Stay tuned…

Powell: Situation in Iraq ‘Getting Worse’

Secretary Powell released a full list of things he thought were bad in the world today:

1. Accidental sex-strangling deaths
2. Iraq
3. Kenyan baby catapults
4. Airborne jellyfish
5. That damn rash

1. Choose a popular event well in advance

Thanks to the internet, figuring out concert schedules and venues has become much easier over the last few years. You can spot a Bon Jovi Meadowlands show 6 months in advance, if not over the web, but by the toothless cheer belching out of New Jersey. Tip: If you get on a band’s mailing list, you’ll get up-to-the-minute info as well as a lifetime of boring, worthless emails.

2. Watch for pre-sales and releases of tickets

Whenever tickets go on sale in limited quantities ahead of the “general release”, you better jump on it, son. You’ll have the best seats by far, and you can pretty much name your own insane price. This is typically the easiest way to get premium tickets other than murdering rich people in their homes while they sleep.

3. Determine your market size and price

Never underestimate the number of people willing to pay you a ton of money for a scalped ticket. You must have the used car salesman mentality. Everyone is a customer, even if they’re not interested. When you’re walking down the street, grab a random person’s arm and demand they buy a ticket from you. Threats are not out of the question.

4. Exchange tickets with seller

Whether it be a face-to-face sale or an online transaction, you have to control the situation from the start. When talking to the customer, always use a forceful, if not angry tone. Use firm, crippling handshakes and when the deal has been made, quickly run off. You’ve got the money, so get the hell out.

Linwood Grill Citysearch.com Profile

Lazy yuppies love beer. And sports. And semi-authentic barbeque.

This is why the American bar & grill has become this century’s plague.

Every spin-off of TGIFriday’s is another soul lost to the ancient tradition of cheaply gorging while being distracted by athletics.

The Romans did it. The Mongols even did it. So, of course, Americans have to do it, too.

The uncharming Linwood Grill is a prime example of this clumsy subculture of sports and beer. Strongly represented by the dirty wood floor, slow service, and unmemorable menu, the interior of the Linwood Grill makes you glad you got a table outdoors. The closer you are to the outside world while eating there, the better. To catch a whiff of the sitcom/simple life air that the Linwood breathes is a poisonous mediocrity, and the antidote is at least a few blocks away.

The daily specials stayed above water in the flood of culinary neutrality, with a couple halfway unique recipes. Otherwise, the menu was exactly how would you expect, perhaps smaller.

Let’s face it, the Linwood Grill exists at its specific location simply to sell food, not much else. The near-Fenway spot and cheap-but-expensive menu make it an oasis for the sports-loving ünteryuppie: the kind that loves Polo shirts just because they saw them on ESPN.

Jurors hear confession on voicemail message in Harvard stabbing trial

the best part about this is the dude called his girlfriend right after the stabbing and left a message on her machine:

“I stabbed him a couple of times and um, don’t repeat this to the police.”

and his loser slut girlfriend didn’t erase the message. now he’s gonna stab her punk ass. that’s what you get, yo.

Andean Mummy Hair Reveals Drinking Habits

they’ve now found traces of booze, cocaine, and nicotine in various mummies, shedding light on to how much their culture is exactly like ours.

except for the robots.

and the bomb.

Norwegian Sheep Still Radioactive Post-Chernobyl

Who doesn’t love radioactive lamb chops? You barely even have to cook them. They’ve been a Norwegian delicacy for decades. On sale now at Shaw’s Supermarkets for only $.49/lb

Study shows dogs able to smell cancer

Great. Now dogs will be running our health care system. Although that’s probably not much worse than who’s running it now. Not to mention the hooligans at Dana Farber and all of the other sham “cancer institutes.” Chumps.