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September 28, 2004
Billy Joel: Terrorist Popstar? 
It has come to my attention that over the course of his career, pop singer Billy Joel has expressed deep anti-American sentiment. There have been rumors of Joel’s connections to Al Qaeda, but definitive proof has not yet been found.
I have compiled some of the most important evidence against Mr. Joel, in order to aid any such investigation as to his potential as a terrorist.
1. 1987 album “F#ck the USA” released by Joel to mild critical acclaim. He says the album title was “a child’s joke” but I refuse to believe him.
2. Comment made to Time Magazine in 1981 interview:
“I’ve got a lot of beef with America right now. If I was a billionaire, I’d buy my own country somewhere in the Middle East. Muahahaha!”
3. Lyrics to the 1974 song “Roberta”
“Roberta, how I’ve adored you
I’d ask you over but I can’t afford you
I’m spendin’ all my money
Tryin’ to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge”
4. Ultra-sketchy moustache and hair
Sporting the symbolic mullet of the dissident in 1975, Billy Joel was a leading radical in the pro-Middle East movement. Just sayin’.
Tuesday
New Jersey: Human Remains in Artificial Reefs
The $55 million dollar project funded by the New Jersey Oceanic Destruction Commission began in 1983. The goal of the project is to build a seawall made out of corpses for protection against the French Navy.
To date, over 37,000 corpses have been packed into the artificial wall. To complete the project, the NJODC estimates it will need a total of 550,000 bodies. I hereby call on every New Jersey citizen to volunteer.
Siberia: Abandoned boy raised by a dog
Not to diss this kid or anything, but the combination of being born in Siberia and then being raised by a dog has got to be the worst life possible.
He must have killed hundreds of people in a former life.
Or been a record executive.
Or a Bon Jovi fan.
Nepal: Living goddess makes rare outing
When this girl is old enough, can you imagine hooking up with a goddess at a party? Best bragging rights ever.
Germany: Goats lick Penthouse model on TV
I’m going to just stop trying to think any more.
Marc Summers Sighting
How I love the weekends, let me count the ways:
Developing a german dancepünkpop song called “Government Scientist”. Heiße Scheiße!
Seeing Metric and running into E.H. in yet another disturbingly weird way.
Synapticblur.com Official Marc Summers Sighting
Time: 9/25/04 - 13:00
Place: Rosebud Diner, Davis Square, Somerville, MA
Times said “It’s gotta be”: 56
Decibels of Summers’ voice: 143.6
Official Marc Summers Homepage
Seeing every single NFL game including the Chiefs getting slapped. For the record, Ben called the last-second 45+ yard field goal to win the game with about 8 minutes to go.
That sweetass Michael Vick commercial that we all saw 100 times but can’t find anything online about.
“Walking” down Boylston St on Saturday AM
Somehow getting a copy of a Czech gossip magazine
Stupid Tonic and Wonderbar. Gahd.
