1. Choose a popular event well in advance

Thanks to the internet, figuring out concert schedules and venues has become much easier over the last few years. You can spot a Bon Jovi Meadowlands show 6 months in advance, if not over the web, but by the toothless cheer belching out of New Jersey. Tip: If you get on a band’s mailing list, you’ll get up-to-the-minute info as well as a lifetime of boring, worthless emails.

2. Watch for pre-sales and releases of tickets

Whenever tickets go on sale in limited quantities ahead of the “general release”, you better jump on it, son. You’ll have the best seats by far, and you can pretty much name your own insane price. This is typically the easiest way to get premium tickets other than murdering rich people in their homes while they sleep.

3. Determine your market size and price

Never underestimate the number of people willing to pay you a ton of money for a scalped ticket. You must have the used car salesman mentality. Everyone is a customer, even if they’re not interested. When you’re walking down the street, grab a random person’s arm and demand they buy a ticket from you. Threats are not out of the question.

4. Exchange tickets with seller

Whether it be a face-to-face sale or an online transaction, you have to control the situation from the start. When talking to the customer, always use a forceful, if not angry tone. Use firm, crippling handshakes and when the deal has been made, quickly run off. You’ve got the money, so get the hell out.

Linwood Grill Citysearch.com Profile

Lazy yuppies love beer. And sports. And semi-authentic barbeque.

This is why the American bar & grill has become this century’s plague.

Every spin-off of TGIFriday’s is another soul lost to the ancient tradition of cheaply gorging while being distracted by athletics.

The Romans did it. The Mongols even did it. So, of course, Americans have to do it, too.

The uncharming Linwood Grill is a prime example of this clumsy subculture of sports and beer. Strongly represented by the dirty wood floor, slow service, and unmemorable menu, the interior of the Linwood Grill makes you glad you got a table outdoors. The closer you are to the outside world while eating there, the better. To catch a whiff of the sitcom/simple life air that the Linwood breathes is a poisonous mediocrity, and the antidote is at least a few blocks away.

The daily specials stayed above water in the flood of culinary neutrality, with a couple halfway unique recipes. Otherwise, the menu was exactly how would you expect, perhaps smaller.

Let’s face it, the Linwood Grill exists at its specific location simply to sell food, not much else. The near-Fenway spot and cheap-but-expensive menu make it an oasis for the sports-loving ünteryuppie: the kind that loves Polo shirts just because they saw them on ESPN.

Jurors hear confession on voicemail message in Harvard stabbing trial

the best part about this is the dude called his girlfriend right after the stabbing and left a message on her machine:

“I stabbed him a couple of times and um, don’t repeat this to the police.”

and his loser slut girlfriend didn’t erase the message. now he’s gonna stab her punk ass. that’s what you get, yo.

Andean Mummy Hair Reveals Drinking Habits

they’ve now found traces of booze, cocaine, and nicotine in various mummies, shedding light on to how much their culture is exactly like ours.

except for the robots.

and the bomb.

Norwegian Sheep Still Radioactive Post-Chernobyl

Who doesn’t love radioactive lamb chops? You barely even have to cook them. They’ve been a Norwegian delicacy for decades. On sale now at Shaw’s Supermarkets for only $.49/lb

Study shows dogs able to smell cancer

Great. Now dogs will be running our health care system. Although that’s probably not much worse than who’s running it now. Not to mention the hooligans at Dana Farber and all of the other sham “cancer institutes.” Chumps.

“Now 300% Less Irish”