Some of the most serious issues in America today include massive war, political angst, hurricanes, and toilet gators.

But all of those pale in comparison to our rampant animal abuse situation.

Here are some examples:

Florida:
Teens put goose in portable toilet, set it on fire
Castrating dog with dental floss

Oklahoma:
Police officers beat opossum to death

Vermont:
Sexually abusing dog and videotaping it

West Virginia:
Donkey dragged behind ATV
Molesting a sheep in funeral home nativity scene

Oh, actually, that Vermont one isn’t an animal abuse case. That was just a press release. A law has been on the books in Vermont that permits sexual activity with animals, to the point where most are indeed videotaped, making it the 3rd largest revenue-producing industry in the state.

“Now 100% unaccomodating to dial-up users”

At Camp Blackwell in Ramington, VT, all hell broke loose. In late July, a camp counselor, whose documents were later revealed to be forged, went on a murderous rampage. The counselor, known to police as Admiral Death because of his constant naval uniform, escaped capture after the spree, and is still at large.

Britney Really Married…Still

Instead of rumoring whether or not these jackalopes are actually married, I say it’s time to move on. Yes, let the era of spousal infidelity rumors begin. Britney’s the queen of pop gossip these days, so we should focus on not denying her marriage, but using it for cash money headlines. Watch:

Britney Spears seen exiting club without hubby, leaves in Ellen DeGeneres’ car

Cleveland Ranked Nation’s Poorest Big City

No sh#t. The last time i was in Cleveland, I saw:

-a toddler boy eating a dead bird
-a man drinking the vapor drip from a car’s muffler
-a sewer rat in a 37th floor corner office

Also, Cleveland was ranked as the Nation’s Baldest City. It just keeps getting worse.

David Koresh’s Car to Be Auctioned

It’s 500-hp Camaro. What else would you expect our Savior to drive? Now, let us pray that our Beloved Camaro finds a good home full of cult orgies.

Actors filming bank robbery arrested in Serbia

The Serbian police must the biggest idiots in the world. Of course they’re going to say they were making a film. That’s not nearly as illegal in Serbia as robbing a bank. This just proves police are dolts all around the world.