The ocean ain’t what it used to be. The thrill is gone. Gods and dragons used to rule the seas, but now….sharks? Sweet, angry Neptune, where have you gone? Where are our ridiculous sea monsters? Sharks, known as seaboars in Australia, have become the penultimate ocean villain, and for that, we make movies.

Sharks are the shiznit when it comes to drumming up oceanic fear. Nothing quite grips us like the threat of a great white shark chomping us in half every time we go to the beach. Who’s afraid of an octopus? Jellyfish? Please.

This is why sharks fill theaters. Seeing a sharky bloodbath on a 20-foot screen will stir the familiar, yet irrational fear that most people have about being attacked by sharks. This fear causes people to replace the actual threat with a fake one by paying $7 to experience it in a theater with friends and family. By this process, shark attacks become more of a fantasy, and people force themselves to believe that it won’t happen to them. Seeing a celebrity in a ridiculous situation with a shark will serve to rid most people of the instinctual fear of sharkbite.

In response, Hollywood has shark scripts aplenty. Hell, I’ve even written a few. A film about a shark attack is a guaranteed summer hit, even in land-locked Iowa.

The problem with such a device is that plot takes a backseat. Every shark movie is pretty much: see shark -> freak out -> watch someone get eaten -> kill shark in extremely bloody scene -> hug.

Rarely is there a twist. There’s usually no need. But ho, ho! Perhaps Open Water is a little more open than we thought. Perhaps the genre is saturated to the point that fiction must become non, as every camera becomes a camcorder. The age of instant information and has demanded a cheap and usually unquestioned authenticity that a fairytale just can’t provide.

Open Water feeds this demand well. Unfortunately, the film is more focused on achieving 15 minutes of fame than anything. It’s simple, it’s dumb, it’s the pilot. A bonafide summer movie.

“Home to over 2,000 abused or neglected puppies”

Suspected Pearl Jam Scammer Arrested In Denver

still not the worst imposter though. remember when that fake Dionne Warwick went on that killing spree in Pittsburgh in 1983?

or the Manute Bol impersonator who basejumped off the Eiffel Tower into a vat of pudding? so lame.

See also: Original news story about scammer

Austrian Held Hostage In Iraq Fired For Missing Work

whoever said “the Austrians have no compassion” was right. but then again, Austrians have been making sketchy excuses for things throughout their history:

1673: An admiral in the Prussian Navy busted for being “Prussian”; claims he was “just helping him put on suntan lotion”

1806: King Schlitzwald orders the beheading of 10,000 Austrians, says he was just following orders

1963: Viennese man attacks Paul McCartney on stage during a Beatles concert; later coins phrase: “Ringo did it”

Rembrandt Was a Lazy-eyed Freak

it just goes to show how fickle talent is. it clearly short-changed one of the “greatest” phonies/painters of all time. his “talent” was in being a con artist, not a fruit-drawer.

Father Faces Charges After His Two-Year-Old Daughter Got Drunk

her BAC was .14, three times the legal limit for an infant. her dad claims they were just watching some baseball, chuggin some brews, and the next thing he knows, she’s falling over drunk.

he claimed it was because she was only a toddler and could barely walk in the first place, but doctors say it was due to the immense pain from her developing liver eating itself to survive.