Monthly Archives: August 2004
Bush Declares his administration will “Never stop looking for new ways to harm the country.”
Putting Cheney in power, raping the Bill of Rights and the Constitution, losing 3 Million jobs, taking a small segment of people within our country and imprisoning them in Cuba, going into war without a clear plan and bad intelligence, setting our water safety standards to WWII lows, with all of these things under his belt in only 4 years, one would think that he has blown his load, but rest assured people he has got plans for making this place a whole lot worse.
Just in case you have ever wondered how you can find yourself a monkey companion. Maybe you only thought that your dreams of having a monkey meant going to Brunei and illegally purchasing a monkey, using money gained from selling the blood of Thai hookers and hobos. Well you were wrong - there is a legal way of purchasing a fine monkey friend.
Act now and you’ll receive a free 5-year-old can of Diet Pepsi with every purchase of a food-grade monkey! While supplies last.
Viagra protects climbers’ lungs
there’s evidence that the miracle drug for your reproductive organs can be used to benefit the rest of your organs, too. the little blue pill blocks a blood-restricting enzyme, enabling blood to wildly rush through unpredictable parts of your body. now, various studies suggest viagra also acts as a muscle-enhancer, wart-remover, and AIDS treatment, with gene therapy being considered as well.
Romanian man keeps dead cow inside apartment
In protest of a recent price hike in McDonald’s Super Value Menu, this Romanian gentlemen got a cow, let it die in his apartment, and began turning it into delicious meals.
With the man cutting fresh strips off the bloated bovine carcass, in death, the cow provided the protein and vitamins the man could no longer afford, until those nutrients turned into prolific bacteria and mold.
Unfortunately, the man was only able to make approximately 100 meals out of the 6,500 potential servings the cow corpse was estimated to provide before being confiscated.
Cemetary Groundskeeper shoots Former D-List Celeb
Former TV celeb, Gunther Less, yes his name is Gunther , who hosted that long-time syndicated show “Journey to Adventure”, was shot by a groundskeeper while visiting his wife’s grave. But…
What makes this tale even more newsworthy is that Gunther was barely wounded, as he was only shot in the arm, the groundskeeper then proceeded to kill himself, and the story offers no explanation for the events.
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| James Bondage |
Tipped as Pierce Brosnan’s replacement in the James Bond series of films, Eric Bana will set out to become the man responsible for destroying the severely-successful franchise. with a resume that includes the Hulk, and the homoerotic Troy, Bana will be the perfect actor for turning James Bond into the premiere ogrish homosexual spy in the 21st century. this is a far cry from the premiere cunning pimp spy that Sean Connery introduced us to as the original James Bond. finally, Timothy Dalton will no longer be the Worst James Bond in history.
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| Batman Ends |
Christian Bale, whose monotonously effective performance in American Psycho showed audiences that he’s legitimately the perfect actor for a psycho role, will bring that sketchy Costner-on-coke appeal to the big screen in Batman Begins. Putting the long-needed knife into the heart of the Batman franchise of movies, Bale will be opposed by Gary Oldman, an actor we all know, but certainly do not love. Look for record-low ticket sales and a casting director suicide once this gem hits theatres across Rhode Island.
Testimony: Abu Ghraib photos ‘just for fun’
Using the “It was just for fun” defense was a complete surprise. Most experts had agreed that the only likely defense would be “It sounded good at the time” or the “How many times in your life do you get the chance to create a naked human pyramid? not many! we were just taking advantage of the situation” defense
….worst legal defense, ever.
Update: Thailand bans orangutan kick-boxing
in a follow-up to a story i didn’t publish earlier, the nation of Thailand has formally outlawed the ancient tradition, leaving many of the orange monkeys jobless and lacking insurance coverage.
the Orangutan KickBoxer’s Association is planning a massive protest at King Kewkacha’s palace on Wednesday, with plans of reversing the decision.
“Thailand cannot survive without orangutan kickboxing. literally. if we are not reinstated, i promise you, millions will die,” leader of the OKBA, Jojo Khao Lak said.
other than Dublin and New York City, Riyadh is actually the #3 city in the world in terms of murders of Irishmen. as a former colony of Ireland, Saudi Arabia boasts the largest Irish population outside of Europe.
with so many Irish pubs within the city limits, Riyadh is a haven for the world-renowned drunkards to mouth off and vandalize. there has been increasing sentiment lately among the Saudis to boot their former masters out of the country once and for all, and this appears to be just one more step in that direction.
Group rejects Beenie Man’s apology for anti-gay remarks
you know he made those remarks just because he’s trying to cover up his own homosexuality. like i’ve said from the start, Beenie Man is the gayest Jamaican dancehall MC ever. well, at least tied for number one with Ballzout the Rappin’ Flame Princess.
