7:15AM AST - Greek Pride

Athens - Greece’s most popular sprinters apparently have faked a motorcycle crash to dodge a drug test. I’m thinking…no? The better one is considering dropping out now. Greek national pride goes with him.

10:35AM AST - Security Detail

Athens - With a mysterious goat flu going around, some members of the security force have been replaced by Olympic rifle shooters.

The riflers’ skill and courage have already rooted out two would-be Yanni assasinations. Hiring anti-terrorist Olympic archers has not been ruled out.

2:35PM AST - Luxembourg Team

NSYNC convinced the IOC to let them enter the Olympics as the Official Olympic Team of Luxembourg. Officials fearing the lowest attendance in Olympics history, allowed NSYNC to represent Luxemburg in the Games. Members of NSYNC agreed to join the team but had to replace JC with an office intern from Maine with blond highlights. When asked for comment the intern merely stated that “I did not intentionally color my hair. The sun did that, it was hair gel, really…I would never dye my hair… But I am happy to join a boy band and participate in the Olympics, especially since I have nothing better to do right now since Carl gave me all this comp time…..ok..seacrest out” He then babbled on for a while and continued to deny any hair dye use.

	Apollo Creed Greek Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	The Opening Ceremonies are tonight and I got VIP tickets! I’ll be sitting next to Andy Rooney and Lisa Kudrow. Andy Rooney? Pee-yew! Why couldn’t it have been David Hasselhoff instead?*Sigh*

Florida Warns 2 Million to Flee Hurricane

wow, people haven’t avoided a hurricane this much since that stupid denzel movie. but seriously, folks, if you live in one of Florida’s 1.7 million trailer homes, you are urged to evacuate, even if you’re not near the path of the storm.

Florida’s new Land Value Initiative gets underway this weekend when Hurricane Charley, vis-a-vis Gov. Bush, destroys the bottom 18% of the value of Florida properties, providing opportunities for more expensive development, mostly new hotels, to replace the transitory/semi-temporary housing that the majorityof Florida’s native-born residents occupy.
Rabbit sets cricket club shed on fire

Synapticblur has exclusive, insider information that this rabbit was part of a terrorist group, RAGA, aiming to destroy the old cricket clubs of England. the group, based out of Switzerland, has caused over $50,000,000 in damage to various cricket clubs in 2004, stirring the international community.

RAGA is headed by Ho Sanchez, a viet-mexican militant who currently lives somewhere in North America. so far, no information has led to the arrest of any of the leaders of the organization, and many, many more attacks are anticipated.