Celebrities have started to use the medium as their own private newsletters. Even John Travolta rents 3 different billboards in the Chicagoland area to motivate his paintball team.

“Official homepage of Reggie Sanders”

Gene blocking turns monkeys into workaholics

welcome to the new age of mind control. instead of the tired, old methods of subliminal messages and torture, the government appears to be developing its next generation of horrifying technology.

Morbidly obese woman dies after skin fused to couch

It seems there’s been a rash of obese people stealing the headlines lately. First, 1,072-lb. man sheds weight daily, and now this crazy lady.

this so-fat-she-became-part-of-the-couch technology could actually be important. if we could easily fuse humans with other objects, we could make Swiss Army People. if you could bond a fork, a bottle opener, and a microwave to your arm, you would. of course you would.

S.A. Zoo Weighs-In on Chupacabra Debate

how often do you get a news story that says, “Devin MacAnally shot the Elmendorph Beast?”

9:00AM AST - More Fan Arrivals

Athens - In preparation for a terrorist attack on the Games, many would-be Asian guests have sent monkeys in their place. The idea is that if an attack occurs, the actual human would be well out of harm’s way, in Korea, perhaps, and instead, the monkey would be blown to shards.

12:30PM AST - New sporting event?

Athens- In a shocking move, the Olympics has created women’s wrestling and added it to the games to bring in new viewers. Traditionalists worry that such a “shameful” display may be followed by Foxy Boxing and Mud Wrestling in 2012 Summer Games in Las Vegas.

3:30PM AST - Popular Native Dance

Island of Moskos- Many customs and celebrations native to the Greek nation have been on display during the Olympic Games such as the hypnotic, enchanting “Goat Dance”, which is performed on the volcanic Island of Moskos.

	Apollo Creed Greek Olympic Leisure Correspondent
	Last night I was at the Estonian party and I ran into Jet Li. I told him that i thought Reese Witherspoon was hot and he snarfed sangria out of his nose! Wait till he hears what Kathy Bates thinks about him…