James Bondage

Tipped as Pierce Brosnan’s replacement in the James Bond series of films, Eric Bana will set out to become the man responsible for destroying the severely-successful franchise. with a resume that includes the Hulk, and the homoerotic Troy, Bana will be the perfect actor for turning James Bond into the premiere ogrish homosexual spy in the 21st century. this is a far cry from the premiere cunning pimp spy that Sean Connery introduced us to as the original James Bond. finally, Timothy Dalton will no longer be the Worst James Bond in history.

Batman Ends

Christian Bale, whose monotonously effective performance in American Psycho showed audiences that he’s legitimately the perfect actor for a psycho role, will bring that sketchy Costner-on-coke appeal to the big screen in Batman Begins. Putting the long-needed knife into the heart of the Batman franchise of movies, Bale will be opposed by Gary Oldman, an actor we all know, but certainly do not love. Look for record-low ticket sales and a casting director suicide once this gem hits theatres across Rhode Island.

Testimony: Abu Ghraib photos ‘just for fun’

Using the “It was just for fun” defense was a complete surprise. Most experts had agreed that the only likely defense would be “It sounded good at the time” or the “How many times in your life do you get the chance to create a naked human pyramid? not many! we were just taking advantage of the situation” defense
….worst legal defense, ever.

Update: Thailand bans orangutan kick-boxing

in a follow-up to a story i didn’t publish earlier, the nation of Thailand has formally outlawed the ancient tradition, leaving many of the orange monkeys jobless and lacking insurance coverage.

the Orangutan KickBoxer’s Association is planning a massive protest at King Kewkacha’s palace on Wednesday, with plans of reversing the decision.

“Thailand cannot survive without orangutan kickboxing. literally. if we are not reinstated, i promise you, millions will die,” leader of the OKBA, Jojo Khao Lak said.

Irishman shot dead in Riyadh

other than Dublin and New York City, Riyadh is actually the #3 city in the world in terms of murders of Irishmen. as a former colony of Ireland, Saudi Arabia boasts the largest Irish population outside of Europe.

with so many Irish pubs within the city limits, Riyadh is a haven for the world-renowned drunkards to mouth off and vandalize. there has been increasing sentiment lately among the Saudis to boot their former masters out of the country once and for all, and this appears to be just one more step in that direction.

Group rejects Beenie Man’s apology for anti-gay remarks

you know he made those remarks just because he’s trying to cover up his own homosexuality. like i’ve said from the start, Beenie Man is the gayest Jamaican dancehall MC ever. well, at least tied for number one with Ballzout the Rappin’ Flame Princess.