Sanchez’s Guide to Wolof

Everybody needs to learn Wolof, the language of African love.

I have provided for you a helpful guide and some links.

Wolof is spoken by wealthy Gambians and inconsiderate Senegalese. It is an ancient tongue, complete with over 1,000 curse words. Good luck!

Online Wolof verb conjugator / Wolof course signup

“Semi-official homepage of Asheville, North Carolina”

Catholic college freaks out over sexy candy wrappers

Usually, it takes a lot to piss off the fine folks at St. Blasien Jesuit College in Switzerland, but apparently pornographic candy wrappers are right up there.

“The lemon, which from the drawing looks female, is obviously enjoying it with the greatest of pleasure.”

“We are shocked at the shameless presentation of sexual practices on the wrapping, which includes not only sexual intercourse but also fellatio and cunnilingus.”

Yo, I don’t know how much is actually being depicted on these wrappers. I’m all for preserving the sanctity of our candy wrappings, but this is ludicrous.

Their vicious anti-candyporn campaign is a shameful way of attracting students to the school, and for using his name vainly this way, Jesus will surely torch their campus.

Buffoons go on “Da Vinci Code” tour around Paris

shut up. shut up. shut up. shut up. shut up. shut up.

Official home of the US Air Guitar Championships

Do you have what it takes to be a star?

Did you drink toxic paint as a child?

Do you have a tattoo of a skateboarding rat on your thigh?

Then get your life together and save up for the US Air Guitar Championships entrance fee. You have until next summer to come up with $25.

Remember all of those times your mother spanked you for pretending to play the “Pour Some Sugar On Me” solo?

She’ll eat that hand for discouraging you when you bring home (your parents basement) the $2,500 prize and a rare, vintage Camaro shower cap. Rawk.

Björk is master of her domain. She controls her music in a way that breeds chaos from her surroundings.

In that way, Medulla is laden with self-righteousness.

Case in point: “Sonnet/Unrealities XI”, mit unnecessarily melodramatic title, carries the theme of the album as well as any. In “Desired Constellation”, pungent arrogance sours the air with the lyric: “how am i going to make it right?” replete with theft of the “All Is Full of Love” note.

Beyond this, there are two major components to this charmingly minimal(ist?) album.

Her voice: SOS.

Computerized Pseudo-muzik: Feels like every time they ran it through the mixing board, it ended up more ridiculous than what they just had.

All of the massive rhythms and melodies of her previous albums get vaporized on Medulla. This soundscape is always light, even when dark. It’s delicate and cloudy, just like we’d expect.

The direction that this album foreshadows is, ahem, impossible to predict, and Björk is probably aware of that. She’s teetering on the edge of unpredictability in the music world, and she knew she had to get in a stripped-bare album before she lost her mind.

The good and bad thing about being in her position is that a lot of people will use this for therapy as much as she will.

Despite this pressure, Björk defeats the drama with über-drama:  her anti-drama. She teases to the point of hormonal imbalance, but remains dignified.

This is her Paris Hilton/naked-just-because album;

She may even start charging for the videos.

Inventor makes engine that runs off air

this is all just wasted energy. the next generation of engines will be cell-based. instead of using finite resources such as metals and petroleum on such massive scales, the future will be stem cell engines.

if we can grow livers out of cells that we have no shortage of, then we should develop other systems that are biologically-based. i, for one, look forward to getting a new body as well as a new car out of sweet, sweet stem cells.

Sex-starved chimp smokes; spits on zoo visitors

the chimp, part of the acting troupe, Le Cirque du Gorille, often plays the role of “American Southerner” in their travelling show.

always one of the fan favorites, the chimp acts out various typically Southern dispositions during the show, such as smoking and spitting, but also curses violently, lazily plows a field, and drinks a gallon of sour mash from a mason jar.

The Beloved Barnyard Mauler as she’s known, aka Sanchez or a variety of other colorful words. now she’s here to write a few articles or two. her subjects will vary.