Monkey Apes Humans by Walking on Two Legs

where’s your messiah, now? well, we’re slowly getting to the point where the evolution of species and the common diversity of life will be so obvious that, if we can’t deny all religion, at least we can deny catholicism. seriously, the pope as a deity? yikes. anyway, if you can’t see it, picture the monkey without so much hair, with a slightly different skull, slightly different backbone, and boom, you’ve got mark wahlberg.

Dutch people the tallest on the planet

you probably didn’t realize it, but Dutch men are 6′1″ on average. but…Dutch women are 6′5″ on average, making them the 3rd tallest species per width on earth, dwarfed only by giraffes and East German women. due to the rampant use of hormones and steroids during the 1970’s by East German females, by the year 2023, scientists predict that 56% of all German women will actually be men. that’s why you gotta read the warning label.

Japanese company makes knife-proof kids clothing

there you have it. the winner of the most ridiculously paranoid invention of the month. just babies stabbin’ babies. and i thought that stampeding-elephant-proof underwear was bad.

Coors and Molson Announce Plans to Merge

i was actually thinking last night as i went to sleep, with all of the disgusting beers out there, what would it take to make an even more disgusting brew? say hello to Coolson, the Colorado/Canada hybrid that combines the bold, rotten-barley taste of Coors with the famous watered-down urine flavor of Molson. thanks to this merger announcement, Americans and Canadians who aren’t capable of choosing a decent beer or wine will surely see their life expectancies cut by at least 9 years.