“Maker of the World’s Smallest Waterbed”

Martha Stewart Gets 5 Months in Prison

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
what a country.

Woman Loses Pet Bird, Gets Solicited for Sex

according to ancient Mayan lore, parrots inflict vicious sex curses on people who stir trouble around them. so some jackalope kidnapped a particular parrot, named Reggie, and demanded sex from Reggie’s owner in return for the bird.

what he doesn’t realize is that it’s a trick question; no one owns Reggie, and for his reckless lust, that man has been cursed with the fertility equivalent of Montezuma’s Revenge. let’s just say it’s one of the most visually disturbing afflictions out there.

GOP candidate: ‘I know you like it big and meaty’

when it comes to publicly intolerable behavior, the Republicans are in power. the same Senate candidacy from Illinois that Jack Ryan bailed out of after his sex club scandal is now even more controversial thanks to some dumb broad who sexually harassed a staff member in front of the entire group.

that’s not even the knock on her. the staff had “the highest regard for Dr. Barthwell’s credentials and knowledge, but … almost uniformly stated their fear and discomfort with what they consider to be unusual behavior patterns and displays of temper.”
goooooo, Republicans!

Woman Faces Charges for Using Pig as Tiger Bait

good lord, what self-respecting tiger would eat a pig? everyone knows tigers feed on much bigger game: giraffes, other tigers, and Indians. one time i watched some discovery channel show called like “Virtual Animal Fights” or something, and they built an extremely elaborate, expensive evil tiger robot so they could crush a watermelon in its jaws, spit fire from its nostrils, and i could use some alliteration. i think it ended up defeating a shark in hand-to-hand combat in a forest. seriously.

Stupid asshole father leaves kid in hot car to die

no matter how many times local news channels tell you not to leave your kids in the car during the summer, some complete idiot goes ahead and does it. as if being a dentist named “Dr. Sierra” wasn’t bad enough, now he’s responsible for his son’s agonizing death. don’t forget to roll down the window in his coffin or he’ll get hot and die. bastard.