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Man Gets Five Years for Shooting Self In Testicles

from now on, no one will ever be allowed to say someone “shot themself in the foot”. this is the new standard. period.

Mule gives birth (fyi, mules are infertile)

as far as legendary conceptions in the animal world go, albino elephants and winged monkeys are the breadwinners, typically stirring the most controversy around the world. but this time, the unlikely freak is a Bhutani mule, who has gained instant celebrity for giving birth to a foal, despite being as infertile as the Blarney Stone.

let this be a lesson in hope to us all. no matter how impossible something may seem, never give up. if an ovobarren mule can spring a bastard foal on the world, then surely Kevin Costner can learn to act.

Boy Raised In Chicken Coop, Then Tied To Hospital Bed for 20 Years

for the Worst Lives Ever Competition, i’m going to personally nominate this one. when he was a boy, his grandparents locked him a chicken coop after his parents died. then someone found him and tied him to a hospital bed for 20 years because well, he thought he was a chicken. so now they’re trying to get him back on his feet so that he may return to the simple paradise he found in that chicken coop. let’s just hope he doesn’t have an urge to breed.

When someone says “of the century” or “of the decade”, we generally let them mean the full 100 years or 10 years, instead of getting technical about them only being 4 years long, as in our case now.

that said, whether you go back to 1904 or to 2000, a lot of “shocking” things have happened; i think you’ll agree. but at the top of baseball announcer joe morgan’s list of the most shocking things of the century is, yep, sammy sosa having 1 home run after 7 outs in the 2004 home run derby.

i, too, chuckled in crippling, horrified shock as sammy knocked a groundball to a 13 year old in the outfield. thank god that joe morgan was there to put it into words for me.

the rest of joe morgan’s unofficial Most Shocking Things of the Century are:

2. After a six month hunt, D.C. area snipers revealed to be touring members of Los Lobos

3. Discovering weapons of mass destruction and $3000 Versace tiger print thong in Derek Jeter’s locker

4. Learning he’s the father of 4 illegitimate children, 3 with Wilt Chamberlain

5. Saddam Hussein winning the 2001 World Series of Poker and $47 million cash

6. Finding out his prank of making 537 fake IDs and voting in Florida for George Bush had an impact

7. Watching 9/11 happen live most of the day on CNN with Dubya and Bill Gates

8. Calling 911 after swallowing 23 whole buffalo wings after losing a bet to Mookie Wilson

9. Hearing the results that he was the one single baseball player since 1967 that didn’t take performance-enhancing steroids

10. Realizing he was accidentally using a metric calculator while an accounting executive at Enron