“Your #1 internet source for Fantasy Corporate Softball”

during most of the 14th and 15th centuries, helper monkeys were abound in Europe, as common as pets as dogs are in America today. over the years, helper monkeys have seen the faces of both praise and blame, being credited as the “meat & potatoes” of the Renaissance as well as “Plague-riddled assbags”. but now, they’re back.

“oh lord god, they’re back in boston??!”, you ask? indeed they are. it all started in the basement of “Dr. M.J. Willard”, who was actually named for Michael Jordan despite being born 17 years before #23 became a household name. as it were, Dr. MJ had just ingested a massive dose of a hallucinogens and stared at the poster on his wall, shown at left, for what ended up being 49 straight hours. then it dawned on him. “why don’t i sell monkeys to handicapped humans?”

Dr. MJ believed the idea that breeding and selling chimps could be a lucrative business in the handicap aide industry, so he started Helping Hands. HH specializes in raising chimps so that they may be happily sold off for $25,000 a pop.

so now, HH sells nearly 1.3 million monkeys a year to Boston area handicapped people, immeasurably enriching the lives of those who are most monkey-needy. i know for a fact that if i could get my hands on a helper monkey, i could single-handedly rule our apartment with an iron fist, if not the world.

Sharapova Beats Davenport to Reach Final

representing the beautiful people across the world, maria sharapova now gets to battle either the american beast or the french beast in the wimbledon final.

i don’t give a crap what time the final comes on, or what the score will be, or if mary “yes, i’m a man” carillo will call the match. nothing matters. i’m watching. also, she’s the 2nd youngest to ever reach the final.

click the pic for a gallery

Ritual sex ‘victim’ stands by claim

ritual sex victims are always the least credible. they tend to be pasty, angry goths or dumb virgins that get caught up in a weird, but not dangerous, moment that they end up blabbing to the news about. then they blame the cosmos or “the couple” but we all know they knew exactly what they were getting in to.

this particular girl just happened to be a stripper as well. and in a recent stripper poll, ritual sex was the #2 activity strippers do other than stripping, being edged out this year by horseback riding

Sneakiest primates have biggest brains

hm did you know there’s a “Machiavellian intelligence theory”? i did too, and this supports it. anyway, this is saying that apes and people with the ability to deceive have a crapload of neocortex in their skull, and are therefore, much, much more intelligent than anyone else. in related news, dick cheney has been officially named the smartest monkey to ever walk the earth.

700 Attend Memorial Service For Slain Police Dog

yet further evidence that people have too much time on their hands. either that, or the people in the area are so uninteresting that they all feel it’s necessary to attend a dog’s funeral. mass attendance a dog’s funeral is easily the most eye-rolling news i’ve heard in a while. seriously though, when someone discovers an actual bigfoot, it’s going to completely mess up our world as we know it.

-Manute Bol Seriously Hurt in Car Accident

-Patients Die After Getting Rabies-Infected Organs

-Los Angeles Lakers in “serious discussions” with Duke’s Krzyzewski