Crappy old people can’t handle Ronstadt’s opinion

this is ridiculous. this is all because it’s still early in the campaigns and baby boomers are so afraid of choosing sides this soon that they’ll avoid any public opinion that could influence them. they like to sit at their kitchen tables, drink their gourmet coffee, read the paper, and quietly think about the politics they choose to acknowledge. this way, they can answer their kids’ simple questions or calmly explain why they’re right about everything, but when it comes down to a debate, they’d prefer to just drive away in a soothing, non-political Lexus. the 6-cd changer won’t argue why Bush’s foreign policy is a joke and that they’re idiots for thinking it’s legit. and god forbid you ever ask one of them who they’re voting for, they’ll react as if you just slapped their kid on a soccer field. ah, don’t forget that we have these charlatans to thank for making liberalism a cartoon back in the 60′s.

Horse-flesh-flavored ice cream debuts in Japan

when i told you back in 2001: “There will be a sweeping wave of horse-flesh-flavored food products that will start in Japan and take the world market by storm”, you spat on my shoes. well, now i spit in your face. anyway, between the knife-proof childrens’ clothes, cubed watermelons, and now this, who else votes that Japan should not be allowed to invent anything ever again?

The Good:
FBI bulletin sees no credible threat at Boston DNC

The Bad:
Dutch limit abortion ship’s work

The Ugly:
Kirstie Alley to star in reality-comedy series about an overweight celebrity

Monkey Apes Humans by Walking on Two Legs

where’s your messiah, now? well, we’re slowly getting to the point where the evolution of species and the common diversity of life will be so obvious that, if we can’t deny all religion, at least we can deny catholicism. seriously, the pope as a deity? yikes. anyway, if you can’t see it, picture the monkey without so much hair, with a slightly different skull, slightly different backbone, and boom, you’ve got mark wahlberg.

Dutch people the tallest on the planet

you probably didn’t realize it, but Dutch men are 6’1″ on average. but…Dutch women are 6’5″ on average, making them the 3rd tallest species per width on earth, dwarfed only by giraffes and East German women. due to the rampant use of hormones and steroids during the 1970′s by East German females, by the year 2023, scientists predict that 56% of all German women will actually be men. that’s why you gotta read the warning label.

Japanese company makes knife-proof kids clothing

there you have it. the winner of the most ridiculously paranoid invention of the month. just babies stabbin’ babies. and i thought that stampeding-elephant-proof underwear was bad.

Coors and Molson Announce Plans to Merge

i was actually thinking last night as i went to sleep, with all of the disgusting beers out there, what would it take to make an even more disgusting brew? say hello to Coolson, the Colorado/Canada hybrid that combines the bold, rotten-barley taste of Coors with the famous watered-down urine flavor of Molson. thanks to this merger announcement, Americans and Canadians who aren’t capable of choosing a decent beer or wine will surely see their life expectancies cut by at least 9 years.

Hawk Flies Into Powerlines, Ignites, Sets Off California Wildfire

so obviously the wildfire wasn’t a natural one. and if anyone tries to blame the hawk and say it’s “nature” at work, they’re idiots. the government needs to figure out a solution to having power and telephone lines draped all over this ugly country, so crap like this never happens and we don’t have to look at them any more. talk about scarring the landscape.

Man arrested for keeping alligator and tiger in his New York apartment

i’d be willing to bet that the tiger was less dangerous than half the people in that apartment building. if i had my choice, i’d have preferred the tiger be discovered after it got loose and imposed a massive tragedy on the building. now that’s news.

what’s up with all of the stupid tiger stories in the news these days?

DNC protesters fenced off prison-style

as much as i’d like to see protesters ruffle feathers at the effing DNC, i don’t think it’s out of line to fence them off like that. it’s not their right to gather in the “most convenient manner possible” or anything. it makes them easy targets though. i may take a stroll by the fleet center and toss stinkbombs into the protester area and watch them run into the fence and knock themselves out.

Drunk flight attendants freak out on Russian flight

the only problem with being a drunk Russian flight
attendant is that you have drunk Russian authorities to deal with after you get caught. i would be shocked if any of those attendants survive the “questioning process.” in Russia, plane flies you!