Iranian woman gives birth to frog

and she’s going to keep him. while her family urged her to put the frog/child up for adoption, Rita knew they were inseparable from the moment they laid eyes on each other. she imagined his first steps, his first teeball game, and it filled her with joy. no matter how poisonous, amphibian, or vain the frog was, Rita made up her mind to love him unconditionally. this is what she had been waiting for all of her life.

Hippie Woman Scales O’Hare Security Fence

you can keep the terrorists, pedophiles, and tennesseans out with airport fences, but you can’t keep wacked-out hippies away. in typical hippie behavior, some chick was “doing doughnuts”, smoking something, then scaled a 10-foot razor wire fence. then she took a baggage loader on a joyride and unintentionally ridiculed the entire homeland security effort. oh, and by the way, the administration arranged 9/11, so there aren’t even really any terrorists.

Mobiles Phones May Damage Sperm

new and improved! cellphone contraceptives! no, but if this was dateline nbc, i wouldn’t tell you i was kidding. but anyway, sensationalist warnings like these are always quality. they’re usually, like this one, based on only one cause/effect, and are about as helpful in predicting the world series winner as a team’s batting average in april. the study would be far more interesting if instead of reporting lower sperm counts, they reported mutant sperm counts. ho, the possibilities.

“Now with 47% more doorknobs”

here are a few links to some articles/reports/whatever about some problems with unnecesary surgeries. you can look the stats up yourself, cause i only really wonder about how many unnecessary surgeries are performed because a doctor just wants to cut you open or cut a body in general open or whatever. that’s not so good, al.

also, it seems the number of fillings in teeth that were, at the time, unnecessary could be higher than thought. i know now, though, that when my dentist in 1993 said i needed emergency gold replacements for all of my front teeth, my family and i assumed he was concerned for my health at that point.

it’s all good now though, cause i get a lot of acting calls for backstreet boy videos. even though the band is nearly broken up and no more than 2 members show up in any one place now. it’s amazing how fast they went from kids to cokeheads.

-Google search for “unnecessary surgeries”

-2/16/03 60 Minutes Report

“America’s #1 Faith-Based Website”

For over 20 years, special interest groups and Washington lobbyists have done all they can to keep the memory of Three’s Company in good standing. Their problem, however, is the curse that the show cast upon its original actors. Did it ever occur to you why some of them were replaced? Or why they all struggled so much after the show? Death, famine, plague and pestilence; all of them just facets of the Curse of Three’s Company.

John Ritter Starred in Problem Child, 2, some crappy sitcom, and Bride of Chucky. Died at an early age from simply far too many bad ideas. Some would say the worst resume in Hollywood.
Joyce Dewitt No work whatsoever. She should’ve put the Violent Communist Party on her resume instead of Three’s Company. In 2001, set the longest unemployment record for an actress.
Suzanne Somers Personally responsible for the Thighmaster. Now pitches horrifying jewelry on HSN. Voted “Most Unexplainably Famous Celebrity” of 2003 by the readers of Entertainment Weekly.
Norman Fell Starred in something called Bud the Chud. Died in 1998. According to his family, after 1978, he never once uttered the phrase “Three’s Company” again, citing “religious reasons”.
Audra Lindley Died in 1997 from sitting in one spot too long. After the show, she retired to a cabin in Vermont and sat in a wooden chair for 19 years and 3 months. While sitting, her pelvis just gave out, and her organs became a deadly, jumbled mess.

Man Divorces Wife; Blames Her Bryan Adams Obsession

a six-foot cardboard cutout of bryan adams in a couple’s bedroom has now led to 370 divorces and 12 murders in the last 10 years. on a personal note, i’ve actually never heard of a more disturbing obsession than this one.

she routinely spends every last bit of money and vacation from work following bryan adams’ tour, and has a “Bryan Adams 69″ tattoo. current vegas odds are 7-to-1 on Ms. Tina Shaw of Blurton, England murdering Bryan Adams in a Misery-esque situation, and 3-to-1 on the ex-Mr. Tina Shaw murdering them both.

Freon From Coke Machine Explosion Turns Deadly

wear your mittens. don’t touch the lobsters. don’t play around exploding coke machines. all those rules your mother laid down being overly protective actually can end up saving you.

apparently when freon gets near flame, it turns into the deadly gas, phosgene, which was used in WWI. so next time you try to rock a vending machine back & forth to get a free Fresca, if it bursts into flames, just hold your breath and calmly walk away.

DMX Arrested at Kennedy Airport

DMX has been known to get himself arrested for a variety of things: weapons, crack, too many pit bulls. but he may have exceeded all of that last night with his arrest for stealing a car out of a JFK parking lot.

police said dmx commented to a friend about how much he adored the baby blue ‘74 chevy nova in the lot earlier, and that he planned to “jack that skeet on the big flo. buck buck.”

“Official Homepage of the English Channel”

Oklahoma judge pumps, shaves, and pleasures himself during trial

seriously, when it comes to public self-pleasurement, does anyone do it better than Oklahoma judges? due to some bizarre law written in 1874, all judges presiding in Oklahoma are required to wear nothing under their robes. so it’s pretty tempting to say the least.

problem is, there’s always one showboat with some booze in his gullet who whips out his penis pump and razor, spends 15 minutes loudly prepping, and then goes ahead and bangs his gavel in front of everyone. there’s always “that guy”

Insane dad climbs church in Batman costume to get kids back

times have been tough for the caped crusader lately, with the police budgets skyrocketing, general lack of zany criminals, and having to fork over for robin’s HIV drug prescriptions.

all the masked marvel wants is a little quality time with his kids, and i have to agree, screaming at the top of church scaffolding to get them back is clearly his only option.

German superbaby with muscles to take over world

this uberfreak child seems all good now, but when he’s about 15, and decides to walk his 1000 lbs. of pure muscle around the bavarian countryside, and 350 people and a herd of goats end up dead, i’ll be saying i told you so from no less than 10,000 miles away.

there’s buzz around germany about cloning the child for some sort of “protective force”, but ubermensch funding has dropped dramatically in the last 30 years. Hitler was not immediately available for comment.