Lollapalooza cancels all dates

this has to be the worst news of my entire life, except for the whole baby jessica thing. poor ticket sales were the problem, despite my attempts to mention lollapalooza to every single person i know. i guess i just don’t know that many people. curiosa’s the best tour of the summer now? oi

Republican Senate Nominee Forced Actress Wife to Have Public Sex

the actress/wife is Jeri Ryan, the weird-looking blonde chick on Boston Public, which i’ve never seen. and her husband is a former investment banker who’s running for a GOP Senate seat.

he would take her to “explicit” NY & Paris sex clubs and make her do freaky thangs with cages, whips, and midgets while people watched, all allegedly, of course. but unless i personally see an internet-distributed videotape of her graphically doing all of this though, i won’t believe it.

Inmate with prosthetic leg at large

not only that, but he escaped by squirming through a gap in the ceiling and climbing down a chain of bedsheets, which apparently can be done with any number of prosthetic limbs. anyone who brings the fugitive’s fake leg to our July 10th party will win a prize. details emerging, but it appears the prize will be Indiana Jones and Last Crusade on VHS.

Motorist Pulls Over Cop; Family Ends Up In Jail

some guy in Tennessee pulled up behind a cop, told him that he (the cop) was speeding, and promptly got arrested. so his mom and brother showed up and bro-bro slapped a cop’s hand; got arrested. then mom freaked out, so she got arrested. finally, dad showed up from church and got shot by a cop Taser. Tennessee jail sex is ALWAYS more interesting.