“#1 Issuer of Fake Warrants in the State of Ohio”

god bless funk.

if you’ve never seen a funk band live, your life is officially incomplete, no matter how many super trips to europe you’ve made with your family.

luckily for all of the people unwilling to sacrifice authenticity for trendiness (read: the people who didn’t go see franz ferdinand), !!! rolled into the middle east in cambridge last night on the start of their new tour.

once they lit the hormonal bonfire, it was on. a few hundred cramped people having imaginary disco sex with the nothing in front of them, and everyone getting off. shaking, bouncing, sliding, grooving, slapping, smacking, and all-out horseback lovespanking. only the oldest, rustiest of republicans could deny motion in the rhythm jungle.

parliament and rage.

the show almost came a crashing halt when the 2 frontmen started on a rampage of idiotic banter, but after angrily pleading to the band to “shut the hell up”, the engine was jumpstarted again and train kept rolling.

the 50 or so members of !!! dial in to the energy of america’s seemingly vigorous youth and their lust for the anti-thought. they staple their flyer to your medulla oblongata. don’t come knocking looking for a treatise on religion or crappy love, the opposite will set you off. the disconnect hooks at its basest form, and your thighs move though your head would never know it.

plainly, don’t ever see !!! without an alcoholic plan, otherwise you’ll waste their time.

whiteboy.jamesbrown

Insane horse murders 17 other horses by biting throats

the showers will be a lot more interesting in chino now.

Rumsfeld Ordered Secret Arrest in Iraq

the prisoner wasn’t given an ID number, and the International Red Cross wasn’t notified. two things i like to lovingly refer to as “violations of the Geneva Conventions”. and, it gets better. the Bush folks have argued that the GCs don’t apply to terrorist suspects. now they’re saying they “should have taken steps“. i can’t decide which explains this administration more: “should have” or “should not have”

Homeless Man In Corpus Christi Set Ablaze While Sleeping

toilet papering? throwing eggs? tipping cows? all pranks of the past. the newest official prank fad in Corpus Christi, Texas is setting homeless people on fire. in this latest incident, the 21-year-old man ended up with 3rd degree burns, all considered to be hilarious by local residents. the scene was actually captured on video, but like all other surveillance videos, it’s completely worthless because they couldn’t identify the attackers’ license plate number.

JonBenet’s Father Runs for Office in Mich.

ah, michigan. forever the bastion of unconvicted-murderers-turned-politicians. missing out on being tried for his daughter’s death, he now stands to be judged by his electorate, which will surely find him guilty of sensationalism, carpetbagging, and potentially, his daughter’s death. i’m sure his opponents will focus entirely on his violent personal past in their campaigns, since he has no prior political record to attack. as far as i’m concerned, he’s just another right-wing gorilla, so hopefully he’ll lose the race, a lot of money, and that disturbing smugness.