in order to cause as much pain and suffering to the Yankees and their fans this season, I offer up this trip down memory lane in a look at some carefully-selected rookie cards for various current Yankees players. Enjoy.

If this isn’t the best case for convicting someone on steroid use, I don’t know what else to do. Giambi, shown here in his Olympic uniform, had been battling cancer for 2 years when this photo was taken. Of course cancer was hurting his chances of landing a big-league contract, so instead of punishing his body with chemo, Giambi spent the next 6 years punishing his body with cattle-grade steroids to become the deodorant-hawking behemoth we all know and love. God bless the USA.
Ah, Bernie Williams. The only thing more static over the last 10 years than his performance is his looks. Between the soulless guitar cd, the emphatically tucked-in jersey, and the lack of any physical aging, I think it’s pretty much clear that this guy is a robot. Seriously, have you seen him dance?? It’s like watching Ronald Reagan chillin in his coffin.
What the hell kind of throwing motion is that? Jeter, a graduate from the Jane Fonda Baseball Camp, is shown in his signature spread eagle motion, which is designed to emphasize both his highly-tuned physique and his frenzied homosexuality. Legend has it, he became Paul O’Neill’s bitch for the entire 1996 season because of this card. “There’s no crying in baseball!”
Hi, my name is Matt Damon. When I’m not acting in increasingly stupid movies, I’m busy spending my free time as a starting pitcher for the Yankees. I came up with this charmingly Nebraskesque look one day in 1995, and thanks to the lack of ingenuity of anyone between Pittsburgh and Denver, 25 million people just like me now look just like me. “Can I rake yer corn, ma’am? How about a lift into town, Sanchez?”
We all knew Mariano Rivera was a total loser, and this is the concrete evidence we needed to convict him. This is perhaps the most embarassing rookie card picture ever. I’m sure Steinbrenner picked out Mariano’s attire for the photo shoot, but as he always does with his players, The Boss misjudged the size of Rivera’s naked body under his dim office lights.

“Most Popular Transporter of Pig’s Blood Across Germany since 1977″

Grammy-Winning Crooner Ray Charles Dies

talk about a weird week. two of our most ridiculously old and beloved american icons have died. what’s-his-name reagan and now the “old school stevie wonder”, ray charles, is gone. we’re running out of really old people left to die. vegas currently has 2-to-1 odds on dick van dyke kickin’ it.

Nomar’s return spoiled by San Diego

what a sad headline. but is it just me or did we not really expect much from nomar this year anyway? since we didn’t get a-rod it felt like we got nothing cause nomar’s been MIA all season so far. pokey’s become loveable and crespo at least looks threatening enough that if he got sent down to the minors, he’d knife someone in the front office. let’s hope nomar has something this year to impress me for once.

Weather Forecast Warm for the Next 15,000 Years

get yo a down to target and pick up some beach towels, SPF 15 lotion, and bikini wax cause it sounds like every day for the next 15,000 years will be warm. personally, i’m going to put all of my money in the air-conditioning industry, but if you want to score big too, i’m sure refreshing lemonade futures will be a pretty solid investment too.

Jury Considers Life or Death for Terry Nichols

yeah, Terry Nichol’s trial is finally almost over. in case you didnt realize it, he was convicted of 161 first-degree murders. i always love the dilemma a bible belt jury has when they have to choose between jail and death for a convicted mass murderer. they’re so drunk on revenge that they say they would rather see him suffer for 70 years in prison than die soon. but on the other hand, here’s their chance to end his evil life. but would it make him a martyr? would the victims want to have another person to end up dead? will the made-for-tv movie cast Hector Elizondo and Della Reese?