Anti-Bush message on laptop case laundry tags

it’s amazing where you’ll find anti-bush messages these days. in laptop bags, under childrens’ food lids, or just about any square inch of this planet outside of the United States.

this particular message says “We are sorry that Our President is an idiot. We did not vote for him.”

so clever. yey.

Conservative groups accused of illegal aid to Nader

instead of stealing votes the old-fashioned way with messed-up ballots, the conservatives are using nader to steal kerry’s votes. that’s not the problem, but illegal phone calls and donations are. you don’t actually think nader could accomplish anything on his own, do you?

Inmate doesn’t return from funeral leave

the idiot judge didn’t read the prisoner’s file before issuing him the funeral pass. he currently has indictments for first-degree robbery, ditto for burglary, as well as “being a persistent felon.” what on earth would make this judge think it was a good idea to let this guy travel to michigan, with only his word as bond? worst criminal justice system ever.

Blind man banned from saying ‘phlegm’

as with most british blind men, this clown is obsessed with groping breasts and talking about mucus while being helped across the road. so he was given an “asbo” (antisocial behavior order) and ordered never to say the word “phlegm” again. i’m sure the 16 months in jail and a braille thesaurus will be all he needs to get back on his feet again.

Trip to salon turns disastrous

Before	After

Location: Russell County, Kansas
Car: 2001 Lexus
Occupants: 2 Chinese people
Length of airborne flight: 101 feet
No. times car rolled over: 6
Narcotics on board: 39 lbs. of cocaine, 69,000 tablets of ecstasy
Survivors not wearing seatbelts: 2 of 2

the moral of the story is if you’re going to speed on the highway with no seatbelt, make sure you have enough coke and ecstasy in your system that you won’t even notice the crash.

Zimbabwe: Cane or breast for naughty pupils

she’s not so special so look what you’ve done, boy

Iranian woman gives birth to frog

and she’s going to keep him. while her family urged her to put the frog/child up for adoption, Rita knew they were inseparable from the moment they laid eyes on each other. she imagined his first steps, his first teeball game, and it filled her with joy. no matter how poisonous, amphibian, or vain the frog was, Rita made up her mind to love him unconditionally. this is what she had been waiting for all of her life.

Hippie Woman Scales O’Hare Security Fence

you can keep the terrorists, pedophiles, and tennesseans out with airport fences, but you can’t keep wacked-out hippies away. in typical hippie behavior, some chick was “doing doughnuts”, smoking something, then scaled a 10-foot razor wire fence. then she took a baggage loader on a joyride and unintentionally ridiculed the entire homeland security effort. oh, and by the way, the administration arranged 9/11, so there aren’t even really any terrorists.

Mobiles Phones May Damage Sperm

new and improved! cellphone contraceptives! no, but if this was dateline nbc, i wouldn’t tell you i was kidding. but anyway, sensationalist warnings like these are always quality. they’re usually, like this one, based on only one cause/effect, and are about as helpful in predicting the world series winner as a team’s batting average in april. the study would be far more interesting if instead of reporting lower sperm counts, they reported mutant sperm counts. ho, the possibilities.