so let’s say you’re an old miserly widow with a desire to have 50 cats living with you in your mansion. but since you don’t have the means to breed or steal all of those cats, you’ve gotta get creative.
“ah ha!”, you say, as you realize that if you merely obtain one cat, you could clone it, and poof! 50 cats, 200 cats, 10,000 cats, whatever you desire.
“but sir, how the $%#@ do i clone a cat??”, you say. i say, follow this:
The Official Synapticblur.com Cat Cloning Tutorial
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Step 1.
You need ingredients. Purchase 1 (one) box of miscellaneous biological materials for your template cat. You can pick up a box at any local genetics lab or Office Depot. |
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Step 2.
Once your template cat has grown healthy enough to handle this extremely traumatic procedure, take a bit of skin off of Precious, carefully removing any extraneous fur. This tissue sample will later magically turn into a cat. |
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Step 3.
Freeze the tissue to a temperature of your choice, I chose -320.8°F. You may also choose to boil them at this stage, it doesn’t really matter. Once the cells have stopping moving, soak them in novocaine, because, yes, even cells feel pain. These are your future pets, keep in mind. |
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Step 4.
After the cells have been thorougly sedated, hand-make small clumps of them. Each clump will later be a fresh new cat. For each clump of cells, provide one whole chicken egg. Cats are notoriously parasitic, and the comforting shell of the chicken egg is a perfect host for the cells. To mysteriously fuse the eggs/clumps, microwave them for 15-45 minutes on high; stir halfway through cooking. |
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Step 5.
The new cat/egg hybrid cells are now ready to be injected back into Precious. Make sure Precious doesn’t see you approaching, as the giant needle you’re carrying may cause alarm. Inject the radioactive embryos anywhere into Precious’ body, as Mother Nature will figure out in where they end up. |
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Step 6.
After a long, hard-fought pregnancy, Precious should soon give birth to a load of newly cloned kittens. You’re well one your way to becoming a weird, miserly catlady that never goes outside. Repeat the process as many times as you need to fill the whole house. |
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Me thinks the Chinese restaraunt across the street would be verrrry interested in this post.
Comment by Flozie — May 26, 2004 @ 11:22 am
My egg/cell clumps keep exploding in the Microwave, what am I doing wrong?
Comment by Joseph Mama — May 26, 2004 @ 11:33 am
Are you sure they’re cat cells?
Comment by chris — May 26, 2004 @ 11:38 am
yes! well.. cat and/or jackalope (whatever happened to be hopping around behind the chineses restaurant)
Comment by Joseph Mama — May 26, 2004 @ 3:38 pm
Oh the cleverness of you Mr. Fore!! It is because of you that my dreams of a catty existence will be realized!! Now if only you could figure out a way to make me more like Cat Woman???
Comment by Denise — May 29, 2004 @ 3:17 am
you can never have anough pussy in the world now can you ?
Comment by christy — May 31, 2004 @ 2:46 am