OWNS

thanks to two ridiculous upsets, the american tennis ego took a snooty slap to the chops this week. andre agassi and andy roddick hooked themselves up with plenty of time to kill in paris by losing extremely early at the french open.

agassi, the 6 seed, lost in the first round to frenchman jerome haehnel, the 271st-ranked player in the world. the dude doesn’t even have a coach.

roddick, the 2 seed, lost in the second round to another frenchman, olivier mutis, the 125th-ranked player in the world.

not only that, but 26 seed vince spadea lost to yet another frenchman, and roddick beat american todd martin in the first round, leaving no americans left in the men’s draw. unless venus can persuade her way to the men’s side, it’s over, rock.

so yeah, i’m very, very disappointed. also broke. i put a $3000 wager on roddick to win the whole tournament. anyone want to make a paypal donation?

Spanky the clown arrested on kiddie porn charges

i’ve always wondered, with priests as well, whether or not pedophilia is a cause or effect of the occupation.

i guess it’s different for everyone, but it seems twice as disturbing if the person takes a job because they’re a pedophile, instead of becoming a pedophile because of the job.

just like: was kevin costner always a terrible actor? or did his movies just turn him into one?

Angry Llamas Scaring Hikers, Horseback Riders

i told you this would happen. this is all because the prices for llama fur collapsed, just like i predicted 5 years ago, rendering them financially worthless, and now they’ve turned to a life of crime and harassment.

did you realize you can buy a llama for about $50? apparently these specific llamas are open to be claimed, so get yourself to Colorado and pick up one dirt cheap before the prices shoot back up. cha-ching

Researcher Dies After Accidental Ebola Jab

ah, clumsiness. it’s the oft-overlooked cog in the gears of evolution. plus, how sketchy would it be to tell people you work in a highly-secured ebola lab in siberia?

so let’s say you’re an old miserly widow with a desire to have 50 cats living with you in your mansion. but since you don’t have the means to breed or steal all of those cats, you’ve gotta get creative.

“ah ha!”, you say, as you realize that if you merely obtain one cat, you could clone it, and poof! 50 cats, 200 cats, 10,000 cats, whatever you desire.

“but sir, how the $%#@ do i clone a cat??”, you say. i say, follow this:
The Official Synapticblur.com Cat Cloning Tutorial

Step 1. You need ingredients. Purchase 1 (one) box of miscellaneous biological materials for your template cat. You can pick up a box at any local genetics lab or Office Depot.
Step 2. Once your template cat has grown healthy enough to handle this extremely traumatic procedure, take a bit of skin off of Precious, carefully removing any extraneous fur. This tissue sample will later magically turn into a cat.
Step 3. Freeze the tissue to a temperature of your choice, I chose -320.8°F. You may also choose to boil them at this stage, it doesn’t really matter. Once the cells have stopping moving, soak them in novocaine, because, yes, even cells feel pain. These are your future pets, keep in mind.
Step 4. After the cells have been thorougly sedated, hand-make small clumps of them. Each clump will later be a fresh new cat. For each clump of cells, provide one whole chicken egg. Cats are notoriously parasitic, and the comforting shell of the chicken egg is a perfect host for the cells. To mysteriously fuse the eggs/clumps, microwave them for 15-45 minutes on high; stir halfway through cooking.
Step 5. The new cat/egg hybrid cells are now ready to be injected back into Precious. Make sure Precious doesn’t see you approaching, as the giant needle you’re carrying may cause alarm. Inject the radioactive embryos anywhere into Precious’ body, as Mother Nature will figure out in where they end up.
Step 6. After a long, hard-fought pregnancy, Precious should soon give birth to a load of newly cloned kittens. You’re well one your way to becoming a weird, miserly catlady that never goes outside. Repeat the process as many times as you need to fill the whole house.

“Largest Michael Jackson Home Video Archive on the Web”