what’s the only thing worse than a Top 10 List?

a Top 11 List.

especially one that whines about preserving Vermont.

“What’s Wal-Mart?”

in their yearly list of misguided charities/photo ops, aka “America’s 11 Most Endangered Places”, the National Trust for Historic Preservation dropped the bomb and listed the “State of Vermont” as endangered due to the expansion of American behemoth, Wal-Mart.

it may be hard to fathom for the shut-ins at the Natl. Trust for Whatever, but to call Wal-Mart out on expansion by the time it builds in Vermont has to be the most last-second, futile movement since the “Save David Caruso” campaign began after he left NYPD Blue.

the point is, Wal-Mart’s the biggest corporation in America for a good reason. oh look, they’ve already expanded everywhere else. vermont is the last place in america wal-mart would do business if they had their choice. oh wait, they do, and it is.

Vermont’s Beauty

the Trust is claiming that “seven new mammoth mega-stores” (hyperbole, anyone?) and the already-existent FOUR (yes, that fits on one hand) Wal-Mart stores will destroy Vermont’s, yeah, get this…..”sense of place.”

if 11 Wal-Marts qualifies as ruining a place, Vermont appears to be the last state standing. the average number of Wal-Mart stores in the other 49 states is actually 179.3. ironic because the square footage of 179.3 Wal-Marts is actually larger than the entire state of Vermont.

anyway, hopefully Wal-Mart chills out on the megaxpansion, but at the same time, from now on let’s not unnecessarily add Vermont to a semi-newsworthy story just because nothing ever happens there cause i’ve clearly spent too much time on this already. something tells me a bad Michael Moore movie is just waiting to happen.

“Keeping Whitney Houston Crack-Free Since Last Thursday”

Convicted Bus Driver Must Watch Surgery as Punishment

i know, you’ve already said “a clockwork orange” five times before you even finished reading the headlines.

Jaguar Loses Flawless Diamond Embedded in Formula 1 Car After Wreck

talk about the dumbest publicity stunt in F1 racing all year. jaguar decided to stick some $360,000 flawless diamond in the front bumper of some rookie’s car at the Monaco Grand Prix for some idiotic reason, and of course he wrecked straight into the barriers, and it was, of course, lost.

now for the irony. jaguar also had Ocean’s Twelve ads all over their cars, even inviting Clooney, Pitt, and Damon to the race. as of last report, Matt Damon was seen running along the highway in the Czech Republic with something flawlessly shiny in his hand.

Paula Abdul Upset Over Mangled Manicure

paula “post-op” abdul is suing some salon for “medical bills, lost profits and the extreme pain.”

this reminds of me of the time Larry Hassenplug, CEO of AT&T during the 90’s, blamed a 3rd-quarter operating loss of $2.4 billion on his shoddy manicure, and it worked! the Board gave him the benefit of the doubt, and he’s been there ever since.

Chinese man sues guru over raw frog cure

ah, the 2nd oldest chinese trick in the book. unsuspecting chumps have fallen victim to the old raw frog prescription trick, thinking it’s a harmless yet unknown cureall. in fact, raw frogs have been so overbred for so many centuries for these purposes, their mystical powers have been tragically diminished.

they were once known for their extreme effects on the spinal cord and metatarses, but now they’re merely used for AIDS treatment and when rubbed on the skin, a refreshing moisturizer with SPF 15.