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Jan ‘05 Randy Moss Afro Spectacular
As the 2003 study by members of the Harvard Sociology Department reveal, the percentage of afros in the general population is exactly the same as in the sports population. therefore, it’s time for a little ceremony to shed some much-deserved light on what may be the best fashion statement possible in all of sports.
Since knowledge is power, we’re going to break down various afros and their significance, in hopes of a greater understanding and acceptance of the world-renowned hairstyle.
Best Complement To a Ridiculous Name In one of the best PR moves in NBA history, ridiculously-named Moochie Norris burst into the league with equally-laughable hair, making him an instant fan favorite. Crappy players take note: if you ever want your name in the paper, gotta blow it out. |
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| Best Color Other Than Black We all know that a vast majority of afros are the same old boring color. Therefore, the first and easiest one I could find a picture of that wasnt black, courtesy of soccer-er Carlos Valderrama, became the obvious winner for this category. Honorable mention goes to the 1970’s Jesus-loving sports fan with the rainbow afro. |
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| Best Afro In Case of Flat Tire Ben Wallace has always been known for his extreme density, allowing him to be about 6′8″ and still get more rebounds than anyone. His flailing elbows are solid enough to crush former Most-Dense Karl Malone’s jaw with one blow, and his hair is thick enough to support a mid-size truck for up to 400 miles. |
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| Most Explosive (Amateur) Rony Turiaf of the Gonzaga Bulldogs plays against a bunch of small wussy dudes up in the Pacific Northwest, so he has a natural fear advantage. Obviously, his hair was the cornerstone of the project. In order to intimidate as many goofy white guys as possible, he got gold teeth, a switchblade in his sock, and blew out the most insane afro in college basketball history. |
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| Most Explosive (Professional) Count your blessings if you weren’t part of the fortunate many to see Moss reveal his octopus-inpsired afro on national TV last year vs. Kansas City cause here it is again. The game was around Thanksgiving, and in the locker room, drunken commentator John Madden actually confused Randy’s hair for the Fox Game Turkey and took a large bite out of the back, prompting Moss to run him over with his SUV. |
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| Most Horizontal There’s a lot to be said for fresh angles on afros. Far too often, the focus is on height, which, aside from leaving the world of afros in a rut, causes all sorts of doorway problems. Props to Oscar Gamble for bringing the X-axis onto the 70’s afro scene. I can only imagine how much hair is choked under that hat. |
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| Worst Violation of the Spirit This is a small step above Carlton from the Fresh Prince. Look at the effort pouring out of that thing. It’s about as natural as McDonald’s food. He probably grew his hair a little bit, rested a football on his head, then grew out the rest of the hair over the football, giving it that fantastic prissy shape. |
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| Most Perfect There you have it, folks. The quintessential Afro. Darnell Hillman, a pioneer in the sports afro, was able to maintain full flava throughout his extremely short career in the ABA due to the aura his full, round, shapely afro exuded on the court. How do you think Michael Jackson became such a star? |
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| Honorable Mention Look, Jesus had his fro all drawn out and blueprinted. He was about halfway there until he died of pneumonia or something, I’m not really sure what happened with that. |
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What, no love for Manny OR Pedro?
drip DRIP!
Comment by Flozie — May 21, 2004 @ 5:26 pm
I somehow feel that Kevin McHale’s armpits should have been included in this.
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