for the most part, we’re aware of riots around the world. what we don’t pay attention to, however, is the style in which they are conducted. tact, aggression, and alcohol are always key ingredients, and there are many excellent riot chefs out there baking up delicious pies. let’s take a look at some of the major styles of rioting:
| Asia
because Asia is teeming with people, riots tend to be wave-like and slow-moving. the object is to surge as many people towards the police so that the people in the back can scream about money and pandas loudly with megaphones over the carpet of bodies. |
 |
| Los Angeles
No shame in the game. LA is the worldwide champion of unnecessarily violent rioting, and it has been since 1882. For over 100 years, Los Angeles has enjoyed a legacy of being the gold standard for violent protest, regardless of reason. typically, very few survivors. |
 |
| Paris
when it comes to rioting, the French are well…the French. no protest is ever successful. you see, in France, the police are smarter than the people. note the trademark use of a blocked-off pink “holding” area, which lures the rioters into a central, vulnerable pit. then the police administer a near-lethal dose of pink gas over the crowd, reducing the French rage into a pile of French cowardice . Technique usually works in 10-12 minutes. |
 |
| Iowa
in a style that was developed originally by the Amish, Iowans use the “Guilty Conscience” technique. it features small fires, cautious destruction, and remorseful prayer. as all good Iowa rioters know, Jesus is not afraid to use mace. |
 |
| College kids
ah, the youthful vigor that is the college campus. young, dumb, and full of um….anyway, the typical college rioter usually partakes in a sport-related riot as to show both confusion AND pride. if you hear a stampede of $2 old navy flipflops, run. |
 |
so there you have it, the 5 major schools of riot thought. whether you’re planning a riot to protest goat fur, or how ugly mcdonald’s buildings are, choose your method carefully, for each one has its own uniquely embarassing consquences. happy rioting!
Inciteful,interesting observations and the beginning of a treatise,if not a full-scale work of non-fiction, on the subject. Chapters to include how protests, legal and non-legal, grow into riots, how a protest can fizzle into a non-riot, ala the Martha Burk protest against Augusta National, and of course, a history of deadly riots and their roots, be they political, religious or post-ncaa championships.
Comment by rw — April 20, 2004 @ 8:42 pm
it was difficult to narrow down the list to such huge categories but it had to be done for brevity’s sake.
look for future subchapters to include the Iraqi rock ‘n’ shoe method, the Venezuelan coke-fest style, and the Albanian “Shoot the Greeks” technique.
Comment by c4 — April 20, 2004 @ 9:54 pm
Are the asian pictures from the great Pokemon Mall Riots of 2001? Blast them for not stocking up on Pikachu dolls… when will they learn?! when will they learn?!
Comment by Snackmaster3000 — April 21, 2004 @ 8:35 am