for the most part, we’re aware of riots around the world. what we don’t pay attention to, however, is the style in which they are conducted. tact, aggression, and alcohol are always key ingredients, and there are many excellent riot chefs out there baking up delicious pies. let’s take a look at some of the major styles of rioting:

Asia because Asia is teeming with people, riots tend to be wave-like and slow-moving. the object is to surge as many people towards the police so that the people in the back can scream about money and pandas loudly with megaphones over the carpet of bodies.

Los Angeles No shame in the game. LA is the worldwide champion of unnecessarily violent rioting, and it has been since 1882. For over 100 years, Los Angeles has enjoyed a legacy of being the gold standard for violent protest, regardless of reason. typically, very few survivors.

Paris when it comes to rioting, the French are well…the French. no protest is ever successful. you see, in France, the police are smarter than the people. note the trademark use of a blocked-off pink “holding” area, which lures the rioters into a central, vulnerable pit. then the police administer a near-lethal dose of pink gas over the crowd, reducing the French rage into a pile of French cowardice . Technique usually works in 10-12 minutes.

Iowa in a style that was developed originally by the Amish, Iowans use the “Guilty Conscience” technique. it features small fires, cautious destruction, and remorseful prayer. as all good Iowa rioters know, Jesus is not afraid to use mace.

College kids ah, the youthful vigor that is the college campus. young, dumb, and full of um….anyway, the typical college rioter usually partakes in a sport-related riot as to show both confusion AND pride. if you hear a stampede of $2 old navy flipflops, run.

so there you have it, the 5 major schools of riot thought. whether you’re planning a riot to protest goat fur, or how ugly mcdonald’s buildings are, choose your method carefully, for each one has its own uniquely embarassing consquences. happy rioting!

Tom Brokaw’s Retirement Date: Dec. 1

Tom Brokaw(not pictured) not that anyone cares about Brokaw chillin in Florida and playing shuffleboard with Roker, i just think we should applaud what B-slaw has done for the newsanchor industry.

let’s face it, Brokaw is the mold in which anchors today are formed, giving us a hopeful future of monotonic, uncoordinated voiceboom that allows people that normally watch the news for the pill commercials to actually hear what’s going on. so as long as those people continue to be the only major news audience, Brokaw’s legacy will live on.

let’s hope Brian Williams can pander to the Babyboomers as well as Brokaw milked their parents.

Kevin Spacey makes up stupid London mugging story; apologizes on UK TV

this is truly a breath of fresh news air. the best part is, you can easily attack Kevin Spacey for being extremely stupid about this, without hating on his acting career.

I’m sure most of you regard Spacey as one of the finest actors of his generation, and you can continue to do so, despite his efforts to embarass himself in front of an entire nation. stories like these often make the person a target of all kinds of beratement, however, let us not judge his professional talent, instead only his personal failures.

Patriot’s Day in Boston was an extremely busy day as we all know. Many important sporting events, sleeping in, excellent weather. Because yesterday was so busy and a lot of people were working during the goings-on, I’ve provided a recap for you.

Sox: Beat the Yankees 3-1 in the 4-game weekend series. Many solid perfomances while bamboozling the “Bronx Dandies”. Made A-Rod suck his thumb. Verdict: Great

Kenyans: Flaunted world dominance by winning both the mens’ and the womens’ marathons. Schooled billions of white people. Stepped in a combined 3,201 pieces of gum. Verdict: Great

Corey Dillon: Became an important piece in the 2005 championship puzzle. Went from good to best. People will care about him now. Verdict: Great

Bruins: The first team in Bruins’ history to blow a 3-1 lead in a best-of-seven series. Lost to French-Canadians. At home. Verdict: Worst team ever.

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