The following celebrities have been in the news lately:

Janet Jackson
Bono
Jessica Simpson’s sister
Courtney Love
Peewee Herman
Paris Hilton
Jennifer Garner

Can you match up the reasons why?

1. Flashed a national TV audience and beat up some dude

2. Said the F-word on TV

3. Didn’t flash a national TV audience

4. Porn charges dropped

5. Got a show on MTV

6. Got thrown from a horse

7. Flashed le boob for the very first time

a.    b.  
c.    d.    e.  
f.    g.  

Answers:
1. F. 2. D. 3. A. 4. B. 5. G. 6. C. 7. E.

in case you’re wondering what i do on my sunday afternoons other than the usual, i tend to order kitchen accessories online:

those are tiny versions of my new cocktail shaker and wine cooler from crate and barrel’s website.

this got me to thinking….as with most aspects of life, there are many stereotypes involved with online shoppers. they are typically easy to categorize, based on their superficial qualities and level of bias that i have for them. they were arranged into five separate but equal categories:

the guy who orders his deviant sex equipment from a computer lab:

the guy who orders furniture online to make shopping online more comfortable:

sketchy guy who doesnt order anything, but sees what sketchy stuff you order, you naughty fop:

old woman who’d sooner burn in hell than spend a dime at oldnavy.com:

stupid but hot chick who thinks she just met a new “28/M/investment banker” but actually just sponsored a new gang of chechen rebels:

Dancing Gorilla in a Tutu Singing Telegram

Yet another ridiculous weekend of March Madness goes into the history books. How humiliating does your bracket look now?

Clearly, I’m extremely upset that Kentucky lost, especially so early. The upsets weren’t that good, just amusing, but at least we have our typical drama.

But, the worst of it all is of course, the commercials. I will do anything to avoid a commercial, especially re-runs of commercials. In order to survive March Madness and its “TV Timeouts”, keep at least 2 other channels available for viewing during basketball breaks. Otherwise, you get pummelled in the medulla oblongata by such tasty morsels as these.

Commercials we’re really sick of and wish CBS would die for airing:

-Cialis commercials that reference a “4-hour erection”

-Everyone Loves Raymond with the giant dude with the stupidass dog cone

-Army commercial with the stupid mom and stupid kid

-Any Cingular commercial

-Phallic Chevy commercial where the truck stretches

-Sprite commercial with the Ugliest Kid on Earth

Standings of the 59 Linden March Madness Pool will be posted on Monday night.

Colonoscopy Parties Remove Fear Factor

We here at synapticblur.com strongly disapprove of the new satanic colon cults that are spreading like brushfire in 2004. these people gather around in a party-like atmosphere to harness the power of the colon in what appears to be an ancient ritual, involving 9 people, a virgin goat, and a box of Snackwells

Man who cloned cat has new cause: menopausal women

Winner of the Most Ironic Title in a news article of March 2004.

i didn’t really bother reading the article too much cause it has a lot of words, but from what i gather, some rich old guy, who previously cloned a cat and other weird biological things, is trying to clone old women i guess.

that sounds pretty cool i guess, i mean, i have nothing against older people, and women are typically nicer. they are more protective, nurturing, and sincere than younger women, or older men, for that matter. let us give thanks for menopausal women, and the love, care, and food that they bless us with on nearly an hourly basis.

Russia seizes China-bound truck with 800 bear paws

yeah, ok, the thing is, these bear paws and such tend to fetch a lofty price in chinese restuarants.

i try to keep it real when it comes to weird foods, but damn.

also, any sentence containing the phrases “load of animal parts” and “exotic dishes” is immediately suspect. i suppose we should all be thankful that the authorities were able to disrupt such a felonious scheme, and restore order to the legal bearpaw food distribution industry.