During the 1980’s, “Dumbo’s Circus” was one of the Disney Channel’s most popular shows. It aired for four successful seasons, and all episodes were considered accounted for until recently. Producers discovered a lost, unaired episode called “Nothing Gold Can Stay”. Executives considered it too serious and ordered it permanently shelved. Here’s the breakdown:

One evening, Barnaby the Dog shows up unannounced in Lilly the Cat’s dressing room. She’s horrified, but before she can let out a scream, Barnaby tapes her mouth shut. They struggle and the scene cuts out. The next scene opens with a shot of blood on Lilly’s chair.

That afternoon, Barnaby sneaks Lilly’s body out of the circus grounds in his Magic Box. In the next scene, he’s shown at the top of a nearby mountain performing a pagan sacrifice ceremony on her body.

After a few hours, Dumbo notices that Lilly’s missing and searches all over the circus for her — while Barnaby nervously watches. Dumbo tells QT the Orangutan that he suspects foul play in her disappearance. A circus-wide gathering takes place to discuss possible scenarios.

During the discussion, Barnaby shouts “Stop everything! I did it! I killed Lilly! Ah haHaAhHAa!!” Everyone’s jaw drops, and the policemen at the scene quickly handcuff Barnaby. After 2 minutes of deliberation, the circus unanimously votes to hang Barnaby, and justice is quickly served.

About two months after my car stereo died, I have a new one. My Kenwood reversable face crapped out on me and I guess I wanted to see how driving in silence was. It wasn’t that cool. So I bought a JVC cd player that plays MP3 CDs and has a plug for iPods.

The catch was that I wanted to install it myself, which involved switching out the wire harness. I pulled it off (the negative battery connection) and did it during lunch. Now I can listen to ridiculously continuous amounts of the music I want whenever I want.

I highly recommend getting a CD player in your car that can allow for more than just CDs. And installing it yourself. It’s fun.

Everyday, over 200 models succumb to starvation. Most never get a proper education. Some are whisked away and forced to work long hours on beaches in hot conditions.

But you can help.

For just a few hundred dollars a day, you can give a model the nutrition, knowledge, and opportunities they deserve. They’ll be sent real, gourmet foods, like this chocolate & cardamom fondant with poached tamarillo.

They’ll also be given pop-up books and allowed to work fully-clothed in suitable conditions. Everything they need to survive in today’s world. Act now before it’s too late.

Exercise #1:

While fully dressed in a suit, approach the destabilizer. Press your gut up against the padding and have your buddy go through all of the reasons why everyone in elementary school thought you were such a loser. You will soon convulse in a fit of crying.

Burns: 300 calories/hr

Exercise #2:

Relax upon the benchmaster with a slight posture. Pull the handcrank until the iron roller compresses your flabby muscles into more compact, efficient shreds of beef. This can eliminate up to 2-3″ off of your waistline per session. Caution: Do Not Use Compressor Near Genitalia

Burns: 60 calories/hr

Exercise #3:

Find a wheelchair and put it up on blocks at least 12″ off the ground. Find a sturdy piece of wood at least 3 feet long and wrest it behind your back under your armpits. Pull arms forward and lean back as hard as you can for proper spinal correction. Stop if sensation in extremities is lost.

Burns: 135 calories/hr